Alone and Live at the Deer Head
by Elisabeth Carmichael
Summary: Finally UPDATED! E/O! After the season 9 finale things get interesting as El and Liv hookup, but what comes next shocks them all. Some crazy twists for our favorite lovers thanks to my sadistic muse! But happy in the end! E/O!
1. But Not Yet

**A.N.** This is an E/O story, I promise! If you aren't in to descriptions, you can skip the first few paragraphs. Please read and review! I always appreciate reviews and suggestions! (Of course I don't own the characters, nor do I own the title even, it the the name of John Coates, Jr. vinyl)

**ALONE AND LIVE AT THE DEER HEAD**

**A Story by Elisabeth Carmichael**

_Some people take and take and take…others give and give. In the end it is all just a zero sum game. So kick up your heels and just live._

The room was slightly warmer than comfortable, a tad on the side of stale, with the heavily wallpapered walls lit dimly by kerosene lamps and the slight glowing flickers escaping the cast iron stove. Intimate tables clustered together around the stove, barely enough room between them for the waiter to maneuver, though he did with a surprising grace that attested to the many years he had spent flitting back and forth from the crowded dining room to the kitchen. Opposite the stove, just far enough to evade the heat, sat a magnificent piano, black lacquer gleaming in the subtle glow given off by the lamp perched precariously atop a pile of musical compositions.

The tables were all occupied, mostly couples hovered together over the small flicker of a candle flame, conversing quietly while being encapsulated by the ethereal poetry of the pianist whose toned fingers flexed over the piano in perfect time with the subtle nods of his head.

In the quiet seclusion of Delaware Water Gap, tucked up amongst the Pocono's, no one needed be reminded to please silence their cell phones and pagers, no one scurried back to their room to watch another clichéd episodic or surf the internet. Time had taken mercy upon this small Pennsylvania town, sparing it from the hold of modern day distractions. For this, the town's seven hundred-some inhabitants and passing guests were thankful, on this night, none more so than the woman sitting alone at the furthest corner of the room.

The nearly empty wine glass on her table showed faint traces of red wine and crimson lipstick, though in the dim light she came off in varied shades of shadow. A city girl, but God did she need this respite, no cell phone, no internet, no work, no traffic, no perps, no defense attorneys, no Elliot.

That last one was the biggie. But sitting there in that dimly lit room crowded with lovers listening to the most soulful music she had ever heard, nothing really mattered. He would briefly pass into her mind, but those moments were so fleeting they barely registered on her consciousness.

- - -

The ripe fall sun cast a soft glow in her hotel room, a crisp breeze rustling the white gauze curtains. It had been years since she had last allowed herself to be awoken naturally by the sun after a good eight solid hours of sleep, and it felt amazing. After feeling sluggish and burnt out at work for the past few months, she had all but forgotten how alive she could feel.

"God!" her arms extended over her head in a slow stretch, "this place is a miracle tonic!"

Outside the window sparkled bright saffron, amber, and burgundy forests with a crisp blue sky, French blue, dress shirt blue…like his eyes. She threw her hand over her eyes and groaned. Why did his eyes have to be the exact same color as the sky on a clear day? No, she was going to go out and enjoy her vacation _without_ thinking about him. Or how the trees perfectly captured the leathery complexion of his skin and the crimson of his lips. Or how the wind rippling through the forest mimicked the fluid movements of his perfectly toned muscles. No. No. This was her week to relax, unwind, forget about him and how he made her absolutely crazy.

She needed this week to decompress. When she returned to New York she would be starting fertility treatments again. A few months ago, after the incident at Sealview, then Merrik Rook, then Casey's departure had forced her to reassess her life, she had begun the treatments, but then things fell apart again and she had stopped before the first insemination.

Olivia sighed heavily as she got out of bed. It was so beautiful outside. A different kind of beautiful than the city. There were no memories to spoil the splendor. She turned from the windows, running a hand through her hair as she began drawing a bath in the bathroom.

She turned the hot water tap down and poured in some bubble salts. Lavender and vanilla. Damn. She had thrown out all of her lavender and vanilla after that night. Too many memories.

It would have to do. She slowly peeled off her camisole and boxers before lowering herself into the cast iron claw foot tub. The bubbles parted as she allowed her head to slip under the surface of the water. Sometimes she wished she could just start over. With everything. Wipe the slate clean. Bathe her life to come out squeaky clean and fresh. She slowly drifted back above the surface, taking in a deep breath.

God, things had gotten so complicated this past summer. Life always seemed to do that. Just when she thought things were coming together, just when she was able to focus on herself, things came up that completely derailed her plans.

Things started to fall apart before she had even realized they were okay…she just didn't recognize the warning signs at the time. It had started at the end of May. Lizzie had stopped sleeping, though never tired, and became increasingly agitated. Her actions became erratic, speech hurried, and a new boy was on the front porch every night. Kathy lost it when Lizzie brought home straight C's and a boy who looked to be about 20.

Elliot had asked Olivia to please take Lizzie for a few weeks so Kathy wouldn't murder her youngest daughter and after a little cajoling, Olivia agreed. But one week after moving in, Olivia came home from a late night at work to find Lizzie passed out on her bathroom floor with an empty bottle of benzodiazepines and slit wrists. By God's grace the doctors were able to pump out her stomach and stop the blood loss before any permanent damage was done.

Olivia blamed herself for leaving a bottle of benzos alone in the apartment with Lizzie, for not getting home soon enough, for not noticing signs of suicidal ideations. It took everything she had not to lose it completely. Her partner, best friend, soul mate's daughter had tried to commit suicide on her watch, God she felt horrible.

Elliot struggled, trying to hold Kathy together while attempting to console Olivia and take care of his other kids. And in his attempts to comfort Olivia it all fell apart.

- - -

He had driven her home despite her protests because it had been two days since she last saw natural light and three since she last slept. Her face was sunken and hollow, stained with dry tears and pasted strands of hair. Elliot hated to see her like this, and it was, he felt, all his fault. He should have never talked her in to watching Lizzie.

As he drove back to her apartment, she fell into a fitfull sleep. By the time he got her up to her door she was clinging to him in desperation, a fatigue induced haze inhibiting her judgment to the point where she had no filter.

"Ngh," she moaned, "I need a drink."

Elliot fiddled with her lock while trying not to drop Olivia. "No Liv, you need sleep."

"Uh-uh. No sleep," she sounded almost drunk as her hand toyed with his shirt. "I just wanna turn off my brain." And then a whimper. "Please."

"Liv," he closed her door with his foot as he flicked on the front lights. "Sleep."

"Fine, no alcohol." She picked her head off his shoulder as he set her down on the couch. "How about just some mind blowing sex… huh?" Her hand drifted over his chest and down his abs before he gently took her arm and replaced it by her side.

"I'm just a phone call away if you need anything." He turned to leave.

Olivia clumsily removed her shirt, exposing a practical nude bra. "I need you, El."

Her whimper stopped him in his tracks and he turned around. "Jesus Liv, put your shirt on." His eyes fixed on the ceiling.

Instead of doing as she was told, she removed her pants and slowly made her way over to Elliot. "I just need to forget this. Please. El, I need to sink into oblivion."

His eyes darted to her as she crashed in to her console table. "Shit, Liv, don't do this. You're going to get yourself killed."

The second he said it he regretted his choice of words. "Yeah, well I seem to be pretty good at that, don't I El? Oh wait, no, no, I'm a failure at that too. Can't even get people to do that right. No, nope, failure. God damned bloody failu…"

Elliot's arms wrapped around her with a ferocity she had never before felt. His strong hands flattened against her naked back, pulling her so that every inch of her body was pressed against his.

"Don't say that. Don't you ever say that. Don't you ever believe that. Liv, you are many things, but failure is not one of them."

His other hand was fixed firmly on the back of her head, holding her as sobs shook her body. "I am. Nobody thinks I'm good enough to love. Nobody gives a damn about me. And they're right. Because I am just not worth it."

Elliot pulled her head back to look in her eyes. "That is not true." His words came out forcefully, full of conviction. "I give a damn. You are worth it. Liv, God forgive me, _I_ love you. And I'm sorry I haven't told you this before, but I do. I love you, you hear me, you are worth suffering for. You hear me Liv? I. Love. You."

Her brown eyes just gazed up at him through the tears, not comprehending what he was saying. She could see a rawness in his blue eyes, a desperation, and she reached up, capturing his lips with hers.

It started soft but quickly became full of need and desire and frustration. She was calling all the shots; she initiated every step. And pretty soon she had her wish, to be obliterated by mind blowing sex and the effortless sleep that followed.

He had left before she awoke. And when she did, she could scarcely remember what had happened. It seemed more a freakish parallel universe than reality. Nothing came of it. No mention, no looks, no acknowledgement of any kind that they had slept together. On a good day she could swear it never happened at all. On a bad day she could swear she practically took advantage of his desperate state of mind.

The day after, the doctors diagnosed Lizzie as having bipolar disorder. Slowly they all moved on from that horrible incident, each claiming to understand that the suicide attempt was caused by the disease not any one of them. And maybe in time they might actually believe that to be true.

But it was exhausting to move forward. For everyone. And so Olivia found herself taking her first real vacation in years. Delaware Water Gap, Pennsylvania where she could escape from her cell phone and the internet for a whole week, communing with nature by day and seeking therapy in jazz by night. Hopefully by the end of her vacation she would be ready for daily hormone injections and crazy mood swings.

Olivia sighed as she stepped into the crisp autumn air. And if she wasn't ready by the end of the week, she wouldn't mind staying a few more.

* * *

**Hope you enjoyed so far! Please leave me a review, good, bad, or ugly, I want to know what you think and whether I should continue with this!**


	2. Thursday Morning Desperation

**A.N.** Thanks to all those who read this and either reviewed or added this to your story alert! I really appreciate knowing people are enjoying this. As usual, I own nothing. However, when I do complete my hostile takeover of DW Enterprises, I think the E/O shippers out there will be quite pleased!  
_Reviews always appreciated-good, bad, and ugly-so leave me a line!  
There isn't a ton of overt E/O in this chapter, but I promise next chapter will be full of E/O goodness!_

- - -

**Alone and Live at the Deer Head**

_A Story by Elisabeth Carmichael_

The train car was quiet, mostly, except for the soft patter of raindrops on the windows and the syncopated clanking of the steel wheels on steel rails. Olivia's head rested against the window, left cheek slightly schmooshed against the glass, eyes staring vacantly at the passing scenery that had turned from gleaming forests to industrial wasteland miles ago.

She let out a labored sigh, her breath leaving a steamy ring on the glass. Back to the city. Back to work. Back to _him_. A soft chuckle caught in her throat. The weather seemed to know exactly how she felt.

A soft buzzing emanated from her purse. It had been so nice to get away from this thing. She reached in and flipped open her phone with a grimace.

"Benson."

Her face blanched.

"I'm still on vacation until tomorrow."

She ran a labored hand over her face. "Fine. I get in at noon, Penn Station."

- - -

Penn Station buzzed alive with commuters, some clearly practiced in the art of speed maneuvering. She picked up her bag and headed for the 8th Avenue exit. Back to the same old routine. _God, even when you leave, if you come back it's like you never left_.

"Liv!"

_Here we go again_. She plastered a fake smile on her face, one that barely reached the corner of her lips, and pressed on in the direction of his voice, her eye brows raising in acknowledgement of his calling.

"How was…where were you…Prehistoric land?" Elliot smiled at her, chin to chest as he took in her appearance.

"Delaware Water Gap." Olivia grimaced as he took hold of her duffle. "And it was refreshing not to have cell reception."

"I'll bet. You look…rested."

She smiled slyly. "I am."

Elliot squinted his eyes to examine her further, "Maybe I should've gone." He turned his head away.

Olivia reluctantly turned her head to look at him, "So how are…things?"

"Slow week."

"El…" her tone was strained.

"Oh, right, that." He looked exhausted. "She's still hanging in there." He sighed. "But God it's hard."

Despite the hundreds of people milling about around them and the roaring of engines and the blaring of horns, a heavy silence engulfed them, both hurting, both trying desperately to protect the other from sharing their pain.

They climbed in to the car, both acutely aware of the awkwardness that had taken hold of their situation. Elliot turned on the engine. Olivia turned on the radio. He drove. She pretended to listen.

"So…" she floated after the silence had become unbearable.

He looked over at her fleetingly. "Hmm?"

"What was so urgent I had to give up the last afternoon of my vacation?" She had now swiveled to face him, right arm resting on the door, left wrapped behind the headrest.

He bobbed his head slowly, "Right, that." He paused, gauging how best to explain the situation to her without it breaking into a shouting match. "The Conroy case…"

"Yeah, I thought Casey had plead him out before she left."

Elliot inhaled, "It kind of came apart when he sabotaged the O'Hanrahan case last Thursday with his perjured testimony." He chuckled morosely. "One of those bad timing all around things and bam, O'Hanrahan was acquitted and the ADA was pissed. Long story short, you're gonna have to testify after all, tomorrow."

Olivia's eyes bugged out. "Tomorrow…Who the hell is this ADA? I don't even get a full day's notice to prepare?"

Elliot grinned slightly, "Well, you would've had more time if you hadn't gone and disappeared into prehistoric land."

"Great, so the one time the system works quickly…" she sighed, "So what? Witness prep?"

He turned the car off Walker and down Baxter, coming to a stop in front of Hogan Place. "Yup. Don't worry Liv, the ADA isn't as bad as you'd think." He winked at her as she got out of the car. "Floor 10, conference room by McCoy's office."

"Got any money for a cab or are you gonna wait for me?" She smiled down at him as he reached into his wallet and handed her some cash. "Thanks El. Why don't you drop my bag at my apartment and I'll see you tomorrow."

He grimaced. "Uh, Capt' wants you back at the house when you're done here."

She slammed the door shut and walked off. This was not how she had planned to spend her last afternoon of freedom.

- - -

"Elliot!" She stalked into the bullpen with anger etched across her face. Her brown eyes narrowed in on his reclining figure, nostrils flaring as she moved toward him.

He looked over at the sound of her voice, cringing slightly. "Shit."

"Was that some kind of sick joke? I get there and oh, guess what, no ADA there to prep me! Was that _amusing_ to you? Did you get a good laugh out of watching me waste my last afternoon off? Hmm?" Olivia's tone took on increasing contempt with every word.

Elliot cringed. He hadn't actually meant to do that to her.

"Liv, I'm…there was a mix up…" He sat forward in his chair and stood up.

"Oh, I'll bet." She was now right up in his face, breathing his air in seething deep breaths.

This was the last thing she needed…the last thing he needed. Why did things have to be so complicated? It had been so much easier to just escape. There was just too much tension, too much built up frustration and unspoken feelings. The littlest things turned in to tectonic catastrophes.

He remained mute as her eyes attempted to crack his story, get an admission that yes, he had sent her on a wild goose chase around town and yes, it was a very naughty thing to have done. Nothing. His eyes belayed only a guarded compassion and his attempts at not engaging in a shouting match with the woman so skillfully goading him into one.

"It was my fault."

Olivia's head whipped around, incensed that someone besides Cragen would dare interrupt their standoff.

"Who the…" her voice rang out with furious contempt but as her eyes fixed on the owner of the voice, her tone softened into incredulous questioning. "…hell?"

"I figured I'd swing by the precinct for prep, make things easier on you, but I communicated it too late to Elliot and he had already dropped you…" The owner of the voice stopped, noticing that Olivia had all but stopped breathing.

"Um, Liv," Elliot prodded. When she didn't respond, he gently guided her into his chair. He ran a thick leathery hand over his face, letting out a haggard, half-mumbled groan. "Shit."

* * *

**Reviews are always appreciated!! I love hearing what you think about this, if I should continue, suggestions on where to go, etc!**


	3. Sketch

**A.N. **_This story has take off in a completely different direction than I had originally envisioned. I'm not sure quite where I want this to go now. After reading, I hope you review and give me some input about that. As always, they don't belong to me unless you don't recognize them._

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

**Alone and Live at the Deer Head**

_A Story by Elisabeth Carmichael_

The steel tinged colors of the bullpen cut harshly through her line of vision until she saw no more. Vaguely she could feel Elliot's strong hands on her shoulders and then the cold metal chair back, the wheels squeaking slightly on the linoleum floor.

A lightly sandpapered hand pressed against her forehead then cheek.

"Liv," his face stared directly at her vacant eyes, "You look like you just saw a ghost or something."

Her delicate right hand reached toward her throat, grasping at the small necklace that had hung there for close to six years. But still nothing shone in her eyes.

Elliot turned around to look at the woman who had caused all this. The woman was breathing deeply, her chest visibly rising and falling at a slow, even pace. Her eyes were wide with shock and fear and guilt as she sucked her lips into her mouth. She looked as though she wanted desperately to run from the squad room, backing up ever so slowly with her hand splayed across the juncture between neck and décolleté where an identical necklace once lay. And God did she want that thin gold chain to hang onto now.

"Maybe if you try talking to her…" Elliot nodded his head toward Olivia as his steely blue eyes pierced the receding woman accusatorily.

The woman swallowed before nodding. She timidly stepped closer to Olivia.

"Hey," her voice was soft and slightly higher pitched than comfortable, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have surprised you like this…" the woman knelt down, "I thought you'd be shocked in a good way, not," she waived her hand up and down, "like this."

Still nothing.

"Alright. Well. I guess I'll just head back to the office." She turned to Elliot. "If she's up to prep later…or in the morning, have her give me a call." The woman placed a soft hand on Olivia's knee as she stood up. "Bye."

She turned to leave the bullpen, black pencil skirt swaying as her heels moved gracefully across the linoleum floor.

"Alexandra?" It came out meek, and uncertain, as foreign as calling her by that name.

Her last footsteps echoed throughout the bullpen as she turned back around. She pushed a few stray strands of hair behind her ear.

"I didn't mean to do that to ya Liv."

Olivia shook her head, eyes wide, "It's been a long day. And I'm a little rusty when it comes to surprises I guess." Her hand still fiddled with the small gold pendant hanging around her neck.

Elliot let out a heavy breath laced with relief, "Why don't you use the break room?" It came out more a statement than a question.

What Olivia wouldn't give to be back in Pennsylvania way from all this insanity…she slowly followed Alex up to the break room, trying to remember how that jazz piano seemed to damper the frenzy in her life.

- - -

How a restful vacation could segway into such chaos baffled her. In the end, she decided that whatever God or gods resided up in the skies had a twisted sense of humor. It had been a very long night preparing for her testimony, and the tension with the ADA did not help hasten the ordeal. She hadn't gotten home until close to one o'clock in the morning, and with her early appointment before a long day of work, she had barely been able to catch a few decent hours of shuteye before the alarm clock reentered her life.

Her left leg, crossed over her right, wiggled incessantly as she thumbed through a ratty issue of _People Magazine_. She could care less what all the actors and actresses were doing, but it was something to read, to try and take her mind off what she'd have to deal with later today. Back at work, chasing perps, dealing with victims, having a little piece of her soul ripped out with each case. And _People_ was the only non-parenting magazine in the office. She did _not_ want to look at those. Not at her age, not when she knew there was a significant chance this would not work out.

"Ms. Benson…" a petite nurse in pastel pink and green flowered scrubs stuck her head out the door into the waiting room.

Olivia looked up, extending her neck backwards in a stretch before getting up. She gave the nurse a small, terse smile as she walked through the doorway into a small corridor lined with more doors. The nurse started off down the hallway, chart in hand, as Olivia followed two steps behind.

"In here," she held open a door leading into a small exam room with too bright fluorescents reflecting off the semi-gloss white walls and white linoleum floors. "There's a gown on the table. I'll be back in a few minutes."

After the nurse left the second time, Olivia allowed herself to look at the large posters on the walls. Diagrams of gestational development for both mother and child. She smiled, running a hand over her flat, firm stomach. Maybe one day…

"Good morning Olivia," the doctor sat down on her stool, gazing at Olivia's chart through her frameless glasses. "I see your blood pressure is at the low end, nothing to worry about," the doctor smiled a sarcastic smile, "better than being on the high end. And, let's see," she flipped a few pages in the chart, "looks like your heart rate has increased a bit, still well within normal range but we'll keep an eye on it, but overall, you're still in great shape."

The doctor folded her hands on top of the chart and smiled up at Olivia, her bouncing brunette curls framing her freckled alabaster skin and sparkling green eyes coupled with her slight frame of 4'10" making her look more like a child than a world-renowned fertility specialist.

"So, have things calmed down a bit?"

Olivia chuckled. "I thought so. Then I realized chaos is my natural state."

"But you're willing to go through with the treatments, correct?"

"This is something I want." A gentle resolve shone in her eyes.

The doctor grinned, "Alright then, let's just hope you can remember that when you aren't feeling so comfortable with all the shots and the procedures and then the morning sickness and weight gain and swollen ankles and sore back…" she giggled, "Sounds incredible, right?"

There was a sincerity in her voice, a sweet honesty that Olivia found to be refreshingly inspirational.

"Amazing."

"Good." The doctor's dimples shone as she looked back at Olivia's chart. "Okay, well, we need to run some labwork. Few tests, nothing major. It should take a few days to hear back from the lab and then if we get the all clear, we can begin treatment by the end of next week. Kay?"

"Alright. Are you gonna draw the blood here or…"

"Right now," the doctor snapped on a pair of latex gloves, smiling at Olivia's now grimacing face. "I can get the nurse if you'd like, but that might take a few extra minutes and since you're on a tight schedule today…"

- - -

"How was your first day back?" Cragen smiled up at Olivia as she closed the door to his office, collapsing into one of the chairs in front of his desk.

"Long." She closed her eyes momentarily. "But I can't really complain."

Cragen closed a file folder on his desk. "Okay, well, get some sleep. You're on call this weekend."

She nodded, silently praying it would be a quiet weekend.

And it was. Then came Monday. And Tuesday. And Wednesday. And by the time Thursday came around, she had all but forgotten what sleep felt like.

Walking back into the precinct after a long day of interviewing potential witnesses and door-to-doors, she was relieved to see the bullpen fairly vacant. Elliot sat down across from her and smiled.

"Some week, eh?" his grin sent butterflies through her.

She laughed ever so slightly and was about to answer him when Cragen emerged from his office with a sizable stack of papers.

"Elliot, Flannery at the 1-2 called about a potential witness for you. And Olivia, you received," he looked down at the stack of papers in his hands, shuffling through them, "three messages from a Dr. Ittenbach's office." He handed her the message sheets.

Both Elliot and Olivia gave the captain quizzical looks.

"The phone system got screwed up. All of your calls came in to my voicemailbox."

They nodded in understanding and the captain returned to his office.

"You okay Liv? Three calls from your doctor?" Elliot's eyes radiated concern.

She took in a slightly flustered breath, "I don't know, I think so but…" Her fingers drummed against the desktop, "I'm almost afraid to call back. Three calls in one day, can't be good news."

"That's the fertility doc?"

She stared up at Elliot, deciding whether or not to tell him to mind his own business. "Yeah, went in to see about starting treatments again." After a pregnant pause she continued. "What if my labwork turned up some sort of disease or shows I can't conceive or…I wish I had given them my cell number."

Elliot rested his hand across the juncture of their desks. "I'm sure you're fine. Give them a call first thing in the morning."

Somehow she wasn't quite convinced by Elliot's words of reassurance and she knew that once again sleep would evade her tonight.

-- -- -- -- -- -- --

_**A.N. **Okay, so I need your help. I haven't decided whether to include the Alex Cabot story from "Conviction" or to pretend that "Conviction" never happened and have her just getting out of Witness Protection. Please let me know what you think._

_Also, this will be an E/O story, but I'm wondering if you guys think I should address a possible past relationship between Alex and Olivia or just leave it up to the imagination._

_**So please, as you can see, I really need your reviews!!**_


	4. The End of the Beginning

**A.N.** _So here it is, the next chapter. It's short, but I wanted to get something out. And I listened...sounds like you guys want Alex to be left alone. Works for me. E/O is my passion, and don't worry, this will be E/O! Thanks for the reviews. I really appreciate them. It helps motivate me at 4 AM when I've been up for 22 hours and am trying to get out the next chapter. So keep 'em coming! (Oh, and I'm working on acquiring the capital to buy them, but until then...they belong to DW)_

* * *

**Alone and Alive at the Deer Head**

_A Story by Elisabeth Carmichael_

- - -

At some point, the soft buzz of night became the scurrying of early morning as the sun, still hidden, began to turn the sky a serene shade of soft lavender rose. Olivia groaned, realizing she had failed to get one minute of sleep all night. Looking over at the clock's red numerals, she decided it would be pointless now to try and go to bed. Six in the morning. Only two more hours before the doctor's office would be open. She picked herself off the couch, rubbing her hand over her hair so it stood up even more erratically, before walking off to get ready for what she was sure would be another very long, and potentially life shattering, day.

Six-thirty in the morning. The sun began to peak above the curve of the Earth, catching the gleaming facets of the skyline, reflecting penetrating rays onto her hardwood floors. One and a half hours to go. She started the coffee pot.

Seven in the morning. The sun cast a soft yellow tint to the hazy sky, filling her apartment with a warm glow that almost seemed suffocating with her closed windows. One hour to go. She poured the forgotten pot of freshly brewed coffee down the drain.

Seven-thirty in the morning. The sun was now strong enough to make the floor by the windows warm underfoot, almost painful. A half hour to go. She rubbed the wax onto her hands before working it through her hair in pieces, a semblance of normalcy.

Seven-forty-five in the morning. The sun was now the only light source in her apartment as she sat quietly on her couch. Fifteen minutes to go. She jumped as her cell phone started ringing.

"Benson."

Her face dropped as she ran a laboured hand through her hair and let out a heavy sigh.

"Alright, be there in 10."

Anybody's guess how many minutes to go. A victim was waiting at Mercy. Whatever urgent news her doctor had called her about three times the day before would just have to wait until she was done with this victim. Damn.

- - -

"What'da we got?" she jammed her fists deeper into her jacket pockets as she approached Elliot.

He gave her a slightly longer than appropriate glance before returning to his memo pad, "Thirty-eight year old female, attacked and raped outside her studio in TriBeCa, rape kit turned up some hairs and semen so if we get a suspect…"

"How is she?"

"Pretty beaten up. Probably better if you talk to her. Name's Clarisse Arnout." He pursed his lips together, sliding his memo pad into his jacket pocket. "You okay? You look like hell." His eyes twinkled as he said this, concerned but not harsh.

"Didn't sleep," she shook her head, "I'm fine. Go on finish with the unis who found her."

- - -

By the time she had a free moment to even remember she was supposed to call her doctor back, it was past closing time. Damn. Sometimes the world just conspired against her. This morning's case had them driving all over the five boroughs, each and every one of them. Evidently this victim was the fifth in a string of rapes, one in each borough, all similarly horrific, all targeting single, successful artists.

Across the desks, Elliot seemed lost in another world with a slightly dishy grin plastered on his face. Internally, she groaned, he had been particularly attractive today, or her body had been particularly attracted to him. He had placed a hand on her shoulders, entirely platonic, and entirely too fast, but God how it unnerved her. If she had any doubts that they did in fact sleep together on a night that now seemed so very long ago, they were gone with that touch. Her body knew, and it was hungry for more.

But damn did these thoughts terrify her. That she could be dying, maybe her blood tests turned up leukemia or something, and yet all her mind could think about was his body meeting hers in the most intimate of ways, making up for their compromised memories of their first time by carefully learning every ripple of the other's body. Damn, she had it bad if he could obliterate the anxiety created by her doctor's calls.

"Liv?" he wore a bemused look, dangerously seductive in the most unintentional way.

Slowly she came up from her reverie, recognizing the change in her heartbeat that accompanied his affectionate use of her nickname. "Hmm?" It came out rather dreamy, her mind still slightly foggy from her daydreams.

"Lizzie's doctor said it might be a good idea if you came to dinner sometime…you know so things are okay with you two."

He said this cautiously, knowing there was no good way to phrase it, no way to not remind Olivia it had been under her watch that Lizzie had attempted…that the disease had manifested itself as a suicide attempt.

Her mind seemed still elsewhere as she calmly replied. "Yeah, yeah sounds like a good idea. When?"

Elliot stared at her blankly, entirely shocked that World War III did not erupt. "Uh, tomorrow night?" he studied her for signs of a change. "I'll have to double check with everyone, but…"

"Alright," she sounded almost serene and certainly not at all like her normal self.

Elliot looked at her with a raised eyebrow and questioning eyes, hoping to glean some understanding as to why her personality seemed so off kilter. And then it hit him.

"Damn," he muttered under his breath, making the sign of the cross with his eyes and then silently, "three calls in one day…God please don't be a brain tumor, please I can't lose her."

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**Please remember to review!!**


	5. Yesterday

**A.N.** _This story has run off on its own, and I'm just trying to keep up with all the twists and turns it throws me. Sorry about causing Olivia pain, but my evil muse is...well...evil. So that's my excuse, my muse made me do it ; ) I'll try and write/post the next chapter soon in which I promise, promise, promise there will be a good dose of E/O, but of course, reviews always help speed up the process. Enjoy!_

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**Alone and Live at the Deer Head**

_A Story by Elisabeth Carmichael_

- - -

In the quiet seclusion of her townhouse, Dr. Ittenbach poured over her medical textbooks, cross-referencing her patient's chart and lab results with every reference material she could get her hands on. Something, anything, to give her a definitive answer, to not have to run more tests, to not put this patient through the agony of waiting for a diagnosis that was never good news.

She ran a jittery, caffeinated hand through her mess of chestnut curls as she padded over to her laptop. One last search before she called it a night…morning. And still nothing. Nothing but her suspicions until she could run more tests. If truth be told, she should probably turn it over to oncology, but it broke her heart to have to tell that to a patient, to have to put a patient through the angst of the referral without be absolutely certain it was necessary.

She popped open another can of Diet Coke and took a swig before slamming shut a 2000-some page reference manual. Damn it. Even though she knew she'd eventually have to involve oncology, she decided that for now, she would handle the case, run the additional tests, and when… if necessary, deliver the devastating, life shattering news that Olivia Benson had (yet unconfirmed) choriocarcinoma.

- - -

Waking up to a sharp pain in her stomach, Olivia cringed. Damn. If this wasn't the worst timing in the world. She had already made plans to have dinner at Elliot's, hoping it would be a nice, if not semi-awkward, evening with home cooking, a rarity in her life, and good company. Now she'd be struggling just to keep a happy smile on her face and not get sick at the smell of what would have otherwise been a delightful tasting meal.

As the pain momentarily subsided, she carefully made her way into the bathroom, fixed a tampon, and popped five Midol. They wouldn't really work, but the gesture gave her some small comfort. It was only ever the first day that this happened. After that she would be fine. But getting through today…she cringed as the water and pills hit her empty stomach. Crap. Oh God how she wished she could go back to yesterday when fatigue was the only pain that plagued her.

It was going to be a long day. Her only solace was that maybe, maybe she could convince Dr. Ittenbach to write her a script for Demerol. Until then…damnit…her lab results. She finished in the bathroom and flipped open her cell. Maybe she'd be lucky and someone would be in a few minutes early.

Bingo.

"Hi, my name's Olivia Benson, B-E-N-S-O-N, and I received a few messages from Dr. Ittenbach about coming in for my results…"

On the other end the doctor's usually manic-sounding voice read with frustration and grief. "Yeah, Olivia, hi, it's Dr. Ittenbach. I'd like to see you today if that's possible. I can do 8:15 if you can get uptown that quickly."

Olivia winced as she sat down, in too much pain to register the heavy tone in her doctor's voice. "Sure. See you in twenty."

- - -

The waiting room at the doctor's office was empty, lights still off so that only the soft glow filtering in through the far wall of windows lit the room. No harsh fluorescents, no noisy cell-phone chatter, no screaming kids running rampant, not even a receptionist at the front desk.

Vaguely Olivia could make out the sound of a door closing somewhere off down the corridor and then the soft patter of footsteps as someone approached from behind the hall door. It opened to reveal a distracted doctor struggling to find an armhole on her lab coat.

"Hi, hi, hi, sorry," she bubbled in what sounded like a caffeine-induced high. "Ah, there we go." She smiled up at Olivia as her lab coat slid on. "Olivia, glad you could come in on such short notice."

Through the fog of cramp-induced pain she noticed the doctor was wearing a pair of casual jeans, probably size 00, and a long sleeve olive-green Henley. Casual clothes. She wasn't seeing patients today. It dimly registered with Olivia that this was a bad sign.

"Okay, let's head on back," the doctor trotted off in running shoes. Definitely casual if she was in flats.

As the exam room door clicked closed, the room became increasingly more tense. The doctor chewed on the corner of her lower lip as she contemplated how exactly to handle this situation. She inhaled a labored breath, tilting her head upward as she did so.

"Alright. We got your labs back. They weren't conclusive so we'll have to do some more testing, but they showed elevated levels of a tumor marker that can indicate the presence of germ cell cancer." She paused to gauge Olivia's reaction.

Olivia stared at the tiny woman in front of her incredulously, her vision focusing in and out so that the doctor would almost disappear. "Did you say…" she paused, not breathing, "cancer?" Tears began welling up in her deep brown eyes.

The doctor sucked in her top lip, "It's a possibility. With your history and these lab results…I don't want to scare you, but I spent hours looking for alternate answers and there just weren't any."

A single tear fell down her face, leaving a tiny reflective path in its wake, "What are my chances?"

The doctor rolled her stool closer. "We don't know for sure that it is cancer. Let's find out before getting into the numbers."

She shook her head, "No, no, I want to know if I'm going to die."

The doctor let out a heavy breath. "I'm not an oncologist. But this particular cancer, choriocarcinoma, has a good survival rate overall, 80-90, if it fits certain parameters. So let's run some more tests so we can know for sure."

It was all too much. She had been hoping to get the all clear, be told she could start fertility treatments again. This, this was _not_ in her plans. How could she be fine, happy, peacefully resting on vacation, a little more than a week ago and now be told she probably had a life threatening disease? It didn't make sense. It didn't seem fair.

As if that wasn't insult enough, the doctor pulled out the ultrasound.

"Okay, I'm just going to check your uterus to see if I can see a tumor. For this kind of cancer, that's the best case scenario, the uterus, much better survival rate."

Numb, Olivia slid back onto the exam table. The universe could be so cruel with its ironic sense of humor. She had been hoping to have an ultrasound, but for a much happier reason, a baby, a new life, not to find a tumor, a destroyer of life. It was too much. If she hadn't been envisioning herself on this table for so long, the cold gel on her stomach as the probe sent eerie shivers up her spine, watching for her baby on the screen, a hand, a foot, a mouth…maybe this wouldn't be quite so hard. But damn the irony made it all the more painful, a pain that pierced her right down to the very core of her beings, an ache so excruciating her bones wanted to shatter under the pressure.

As the probe slowly started moving across her abdomen, the gel burning her skin ever so slightly, the soft hum of the machine in the background, her pain only intensified. She closed her eyes, squeezing them shut so hard her cheeks ached.

Cancer. No baby. Cancer. Death. Dying alone. No husband. No boyfriend. No children. Nothing.

If she kept her eyes clamped shut maybe the rivulets waiting to stream down her face would not fall. God damn it! Why couldn't she just go back in time, back to yesterday when cancer was the furthest thing from her mind, when she had hope and prospects and a future, maybe even a happy future. Yesterday was so much better than today…it just wasn't fair. Her body began to shake violently from the sobs being trapped inside, and in a moment of pure agony it slipped from her lips, a most haunting of cries, "Elliot! Elliot!"

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**Please remember to review! Always eager for comments, good, bad, ugly, or constructive!**


	6. Some Changes

**A.N.** Thanks to all those who have reviewed. They keep me motivated. As promised, here is the beginning of some intense E/O action. As always, reviews are appreciated! (Oh, and I still have not acquired enough capital to purchase the rights to them so... they still belong to DW)

Also, the chapter titles themselves are not intentionally indicative of the chapter contents. They are the name of the John Coates Jr. song I listened to when writing the particular chapter.

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**ALONE AND LIVE AT THE DEER HEAD**

_A Story by Elisabeth Carmichael_

- - -

Across the bridge in Queens, Elliot was busy feeding Eli his breakfast of dry Cheerios and applesauce whilst Olivia lie in agony upon the doctor's examination table. Kathy had gone out for a jog and the twins were still in bed. Elliot gave Eli a loving smile as the young boy rammed a sticky hand into his full head of blond hair, laughing. Kathy used to take the kids along in the jogging stroller, but lately she had been leaving Eli behind if Elliot was home. Bopping his head slightly, he began to sing the refrain from an old Jimmy Buffett tune, "You call it jogging, I call it running around."

Eli smiled up at his singing, starting to babble along in a sing-songish gurgle. Elliot's eyes crinkled in a smile at his son. Out of nowhere, a sharp, searing pain froze him in place. His hand released its hold on a baby spoon full of applesauce, the mush splattering on his jeans, as his hand frantically grasped at his heart, trying to crush it so the agonizing pain would dissipate.

Something was wrong. He could feel it. Not just wrong, very wrong.

He wanted to scream, cry, weep the pain was so unbearable. Eli started screaming, terror written in his deep blue eyes, crying at the horrific sight be fore him, his father in the grips of a pain more terrible than death. Screaming. Louder. And louder. Violently deflecting off the walls, off the furniture, building in intensity, the vibrations rattling the windows, the china cabinet, the foundation. Louder. Horrific screams.

- - -

The doctor placed a delicate hand on Olivia's trembling arm, a small gesture that she knew would do nothing to ease her patient's pain. It was habit.

"How have your periods been lately?" She looked up from adjusting the machine.

Olivia took in a deep breath, eyelids heavy, "Huh?"

"Your periods…"

She shook her head as if trying to escape the fog that had settled upon her, "Same as always. Painful on the first day, but pretty light and short otherwise."

The doctor squinted at her, "Regular?"

Olivia appreciated the distraction, focusing her mind on talking helped, if only slightly. "Um, well, no. Never am. With the stress of the job, unless I'm on the pill… But it always comes eventually."

The doctor pursed her lips, thinking, "Any unusual recurrent pain, bloating, vomiting, coughing blood?"

Olivia's eyes went wide, "Uh, no, no nothing like… well, I mean, bloating, sure, but I've been so stressed lately. But the only recurrent pain I have is a lonely heart." She attempted a dry laugh, smiling slightly, only to realize how pathetic she sounded; she never expressed those sort of feelings to anyone other than perhaps her closest girlfriends, and only ever when very drunk.

The doctor gave her a small smile, barely reaching the corners of her lips. "When was your last period?"

"This morning, bad."

The doctor frowned sympathetically before turning back to the ultrasound machine. She adjusted the image slightly, horizontal lines creasing her forehead. "Hmm, well, let's try the other one."

She put away the first machine and rolled out the second, a 3-D ultrasound machine cased in a sleek black. As she ran the transducer over Olivia's lower abdomen, her left eyebrow about reached her hairline.

"Olivia," she began slowly, "Are you sure you've been having your period lately?"

"Yeah, I told you it started today."

The doctor pinched the bridge of her nose, frowning. "When was the last time you had sex?"

Olivia's eyes grew wide as her head recoiled into her neck, "Umm, what does that have to do with cancer?"

"Well, it could cause elevated levels of a tumor marker to show up." She stared at Olivia, looking for the answer to her initial question.

"Uh, let me think…gee, three months ago, maybe, and then four months before that."

"Looks about right." The doctor pulled off her glasses. "I am so sorry for putting you through all this. With you having periods and no telltale signs, I thought the elevated hCG was due to cancer." The doctor shook her head, distraught over what had happened. "Olivia, you aren't having your period. It's spotting. You're pregnant."

- - -

Ten hours. Ten hours since she had been told. Pregnant. With Elliot. After one drunken, distraught night that she could scarcely remember except to know that it was certainly not her finest hour.

She turned down 56th Street, frowning and shaking her head in disapproval. How could she have not noticed? No morning sickness. No nausea. No real weight gain. Hell, her stomach was still flat as ever. But she should have known. What kind of woman doesn't know? Evidently the kind that doesn't remember seducing a one-night stand out of the love of her life.

Crap. Elliot. He didn't know. He probably didn't even remember. And he was married! She was the other woman, the mistress, the whore, the slut. He had tried to resist, but she, the little tramp of a seductress that she was, gave him no choice. His body responded despite the resistance of his mind. She was the one at fault. She was the one who made him break his marriage vows. And now she was pregnant with his children. Bastard children. Twin bastards. God she hated herself.

Her life was over. Elliot would hate her. Their friendship, gone. Their partnership, buh-bye. Any relationship with his family, out of the question. His children would hate her. The other woman who corrupted their father. She hated herself for ruining their lives. But she couldn't bring herself to do it, the one thing that would keep things normal, keep her in the Stabler family's good graces, keep her in the constant company of her one true love. No matter how easy it would be, she simply could not bring herself to get an abortion. Out of the question.

As she made her way onto Broadway, her cell phone began to ring. Elliot. Shit. Dinner.

"Benson," she answered, trying to sound as if she hadn't looked at caller-id, hadn't remembered she forgot about her dinner obligations.

"Liv, I thought I told you 6:30. You alright?"

She laughed to herself. No, she wasn't alright, and they weren't alright, and he wouldn't be alright, and the whole world wasn't alright. How could she go to his house to have dinner with his wife and kids when she had just found out that he had knocked her up.

"Oh shit," it came out less than convincingly, "I thought you said 7:30. I'm up in Hell's Kitchen. It'll take me half hour minimum to get to Queens at this time of night. Don't wanna hold up your evening, maybe some other…"

"Get a cab and we'll see you soon."

"Elliot…" she started to protest, not wanting to see them tonight.

"Liv," his use of her nickname sent a shiver up her spine and set off small butterflies in her stomach. "We can wait. You're coming. Bye."

He hung up. She stayed on the line in shock. They could usually read each other so well, but he obviously didn't sense her desperate need to stay away from him and his family. Didn't he understand it wasn't just for her own sake, but for the sake of his entire family and his life?

Reluctantly she hailed a cab, sighing heavily as she gave the cabbie Elliot's address. Shit.

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**Please leave me a review! How do you think El should react, baby names, baby genders, etc, etc.!!**


	7. Song Sung Blue

**A.N.** Sorry it has taken so long to update. This was a difficult chapter to write, content-wise. Made it longer to make up for the long update time. All the reviews are so appreciated!! Hope you enjoy! (And no, still don't have the capitol to acquire the rights to the show, so they still belong to Dick Wolf)

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**ALONE AND LIVE AT THE DEER HEAD**

_A Story by Elisabeth Carmichael_

- - -

There it was. Hell. Her hell. At that moment, she wouldn't have minded taking up residence in the cab if it meant she didn't have to face _them_. The cabbie began grumbling, staring at her impatiently. He cleared his throat. Taking a deep breath she handed him a wad of bills and slid out. If she were truly destined for hell, it would find her sooner or later, better to get it over with now.

As she approached the quaint front door to the Stabler house, her heart fell. Everything they knew, everything they held sacred, was going to be gone when she made her way back down this path.

She still hadn't decided how she would break the news. Probably just to Elliot in private, but Kathy and Kathleen had a shrewd ability to detect these sort of things. Maybe it would be better to just admit it to all of them.

"_So Olivia, anything new with you?" Kathy would say._

_"Yeah, I'm pregnant."_

_"Oh congratulations!" Everyone but Elliot would respond in unison._

_"Thanks, as I'm sure you know Kathy, those Stabler sperm are just so damn stubborn!"_

_And then there would be silence. Followed closely by a resounding boom as Kathy would turn Elliot's side arm on her._

Alright, maybe not such a good idea. She'd just have to endure the feeling that they could all see right thru her, thru to the tiny fetuses that were ripping their family apart.

She couldn't help but think Sartre was right. Under her breath she muttered, "L'enfer, c'est les autres."

"Huh?" out of the shadows by the porch emerged Kathleen Stabler, the last one of the Stabler children Olivia wanted to see right now. Even Lizzie, would be preferable.

"Jesus Christ! Kathleen you scared the shit out of me!"

Kathleen looked at Olivia, unperturbed with having startled the poor woman. Her eyes were dark from years of cynicism though holding no animosity toward her father's partner.

"Sartre's _Huis Clos_, 'hell is other people.'" Kathleen stood, legs shoulder width apart, arms crossed over her chest, eyes demanding an explanation out of the woman standing before her.

Shit. There was no real way to explain this one. She began cautiously. "Yeah, uh," she bit her lower lip nervously, pointing back to the street with a flick of the wrist, "the, uh, cabbie…real jerk. That's all."

Kathleen eyed her suspiciously, noting her harried appearance. God, she looked like hell.

- - -

Dinner had been pleasant enough. Kathy's glares were directed at her children and Elliot, never Olivia. Lizzie seemed genuinely happy to see her, and Dickie seemed to be trying _not_ to be happy to see her, which was simultaneously mildly amusing and slightly embarrassing. Kathleen had smiled and laughed a few times, which Elliot pointed out was a few times more than usual. And Eli had, to Olivia's disappointment, been put down prior to her arrival.

Conversation was light and focused primarily on the kids, or adults, as they would have it. All throughout dinner, Elliot stole glances at Olivia, trying to ascertain why she had been so testy earlier. He desperately wanted a chance to speak with her alone, but it seemed his family was not about to release Olivia from their grasps.

The ease of the evening was almost too much for Olivia to bear, knowing soon, this would be impossible, soon all of their lives would be drastically different, and not in a good way.

"Hey, Liv," Elliot nodded at her, "Help me set up the poker table."

She looked to Kathy, "I can help you clean up if you…"

Kathy smiled conspiratorially, "No, you're our guest. The kids will help me," her eyes landed on each of her children in turn.

Olivia smiled sympathetically at them before following Elliot down into the basement game room. He looked at her quizzically, trying to read her, but coming up short.

"You okay? Seemed a little on edge at dinner."

She grabbed the tube of poker chips from him. "Rough day."

"Yeah," he pulled out a deck of cards from a cabinet, thinking back to earlier in the day when he had felt a horrific pain than permeated his soul. "Yeah, me too."

"Went in for my test results." Her voice carried a tinge of resignation, unsure of how far she wanted to take this.

He looked at her expectantly.

She let out a dry laugh, "Had a bit of a scare. Thought I had cancer…"

Immediately he was in her space, mere inches preventing their bodies from being completely enmeshed. His nose almost touching hers as his head angled downward. Placing his hands on her shoulders, more for his benefit than hers, he drew in a sharp breath.

"_Thought_…so that means…"

Her heart rate soared at the proximity. This was a dangerous position for them to be in, and she knew it, her body knew it. Against her better judgment she raised her eyes, locking with his.

"No cancer."

Elliot's body visibly relaxed as he let out the breath he had been holding, "Thank God." He took in a few very deep breaths, allowing his heart rate to return to normal. "So you're good, going to start fertility treatments soon?"

She turned out of his grasp, breaking her eyes away from his, busying herself with doling out the poker chips. "Uh, no." It came out so clipped that he almost didn't hear it.

"No you're not good or no you're not doing the AI?"

The table was ready to start, nothing more with which to busy herself. She turned toward him, avoiding his eyes. "I'm good, but can't do the treatments."

He stared at her incredulously, conscious of the fact that she was trying so desperately to not look at him. "Why not?"

This was it. She couldn't lie to him, not about this. But God did she want to go back in time, change things, make it so this never happened. She couldn't bear to look in his eyes, sure that he'd know instantly they were his. And she couldn't watch as he realized that he had indeed broken his marriage vows, cheated on his wife, and now gotten the _other woman_ pregnant from a one-night stand he hadn't even wanted to participate in.

She let out a quick sigh, an attempt to amp herself up for what was sure to be a difficult conversation. "I'm, I'm already pregnant."

A thick silence descended upon them. Elliot was visibly upset by the news, frustrated that once again he had been unaware his partner was seeing anybody. And now she was having a baby with some guy he had never met? Perfect. He thought their friendship was finally getting back on track, back in sync, and now this. It never even occurred to him that she might be carrying his child.

"Ready to be schooled by the master, Liv?" Dickie bounded down the stairs, a pair of mirrored sunglasses perched precariously on his mop of dirty blond hair.

Lizzie and Kathleen followed behind, eyes rolling at their brother's massive ego.

"Don't listen to him, he's all talk…" Lizzie started before noticing the uncomfortable silence floating between the two adults.

With one last glare at Olivia, Elliot turned to his children, failing miserably in his attempts to look happy. "Stop running your mouth, you know I always beat you." He wanted to add that Olivia always beats him, but decided not to pay her the compliment.

They played five hands, five torturously long, uncomfortable hands. Every few seconds Elliot snuck a look at Olivia, trying to understand just when their relationship had deteriorated, yet again, to this horribly uncomfortable point.

Lizzie tried desperately to lighten the mood, joking about how Maureen had let is slip that she might be pregnant, and gosh how she didn't want to have to marry Scott.

Kathleen rolled her eyes. "Geeze, trying to give Dad a heart attack? If anyone, that would happen to _you_," her eyes glared accusingly at Lizzie.

"Yeah except she wouldn't know who the father is to marry him," Dickie joked, grinning at Kathleen.

Nothing. No reaction from Elliot. He persisted in his own world, consumed with his partner sitting across the table.

"Okay, _what_ happened?" Kathleen's wide eyes looked pointedly at Olivia and then her father.

Olivia plastered on a small smile on her face as she thought about how to answer Kathleen's question. She didn't want to lie, but she knew she couldn't tell Kathleen the truth without working things out with Elliot first.

"Why don't you ask your father." It came out more as a statement than a question with a biting edge directed at Elliot.

All eyes turned to him, penetrating, questioning. He looked pensively at his children, wondering how to handle the situation. "It's, it's just…nothing for you guys to worry about."

Olivia inwardly groaned at that statement. If only that were true…but it was something for them to worry about…something huge.

"Well _something_ must have happened before we came down," Lizzie adjusted her glasses, eyes flitting back and forth between her father and Olivia.

Elliot squinted his eyes, forehead creased, sitting back in his chair to survey the situation. Olivia busied herself with rearranging her cards, aligning them with perfect spacing, this corner overlapping at the exact angle as that corner, and again. Kathleen's eyebrow piqued as she stared incredulously at the two adults.

"Oh. My. God." She paused, eyes widening further. "I can't believe you two! Mom was right upstairs; _we_ were right upstairs. Are you fucking crazy?" Her fury was, for the most part, directed at Elliot, though Olivia could feel the growing animosity.

At Kathleen's outburst, Elliot shot forward in his chair, "What the hell are you talking about?"

Dickie's eyes spread wide with horror, turning to his twin for support. Lizzie frowned, unsure of where Kathleen was going, but unsettled by her tone.

Kathleen shook her head in disbelief, "What I'm talking about?" her tone infuriated, "I'm talking about you making out with Olivia while Mom is right upstairs. Just cuz you're divorced, doesn't mean that's okay. You don't see her bringing her boyfriend around!"

Olivia blinked her eyes furiously trying to understand what Kathleen had just said. Never mind the suggestion about her and Elliot; he was divorced. And he never mentioned it. Not one word. Divorced and living together. Divorced and living together but not involved. Divorced and living together but not involved because Kathy had a boyfriend.

Kathy had a boyfriend. Deep down he knew. All those long "jogs" without Eli, coming back smelling like shampoo instead of sweat. He knew, and it was okay, but she should have told him. And now Kathleen thought he and Olivia…damn it.

"Kathleen," Olivia's voice came out shaky, still trying to digest what had just passed. "We weren't…" she sighed, "we were talking. Your father got upset. But believe me, I would never, your father would never do that, you _know_ he wouldn't."

Elliot glanced at Olivia, trying to discern whether she was angry with him, and then turned to Kathleen. "Your mother has a boyfriend?" His chin jutted out, "Why wasn't I aware of this?"

Kathleen rolled her eyes, "You never told Mom that you have a girlfriend."

"You have a girlfriend?" Olivia looked taken aback with shock.

There was too much going on, too many balls in the air. He looked to Olivia first, "No," then turned to Kathleen, "no. I do not have a girlfriend. And I do not know where you got that idea from?"

"So you aren't sleeping with Liv?" Dickie asked, poker glasses able to mask the hopefulness in his eyes but not his voice.

At that, Olivia's head began spinning. This was a nightmare. A complete nightmare. Forget what she thought the night was going to be like, this was ten times worse.

"Of course not!" Elliot's voice was raised, exasperated and exhausted by this sequence of events.

The second it came out of his mouth he regretted it. His tone was all wrong, and he could see the pain etched upon Olivia's face. Damn it. That's not how he meant it. But of course, as always, the lines of communication became lines of complication for them.

He ran a rough hand over his fatigued visage. There was no easy way to rectify this. If he apologized to Olivia…well, he couldn't do that in front of his kids. But if he didn't…by the look on her face, he knew his window of opportunity had passed, the hurt had settled upon her heart, and it was all because of him. Damn.

This night was _not_ supposed to turn out this way. They were supposed to have a good time, laugh, talk, be happy. She wasn't supposed to tell him she was pregnant. They weren't supposed to be having this terribly awkward conversation. This was a nightmare. A complete nightmare.

They both let out defeated sighs, massaging their temples in perfect synchronization. And then, out of the silent chaos, a simultaneous uttering of the one word that summed it all up. "Shit."

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**Please review!! Good, bad, constructive, all of it is welcome! And I would love to hear suggestions for baby names and/or baby gender preferences!**


	8. More Than You Know

**A.N.** Thanks for all the reviews and to all those who added me to their story alert. Really love hearing from all you, and welcome the input. This chapter was kind of difficult to write, but I hope you guys think it is half-way decent. As always, they belong to DW. Still trying.

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**ALONE AND LIVE AT THE DEER HEAD**

_A Story by Elisabeth Carmichael_

- - -

After the evening from hell, all she wanted to do was sleep, sleep and digest the day's events. She was pregnant. With twins. With Elliot. And he still didn't know. And he was divorced, which, up until a few hours ago, she didn't know. Not just divorced, but Kathy had a boyfriend. And his kids thought she and Elliot were dating. And Elliot thought she had kept yet another man secret from him. Good God this was a nightmare. The nightmare to end all nightmares. She would need a scorecard to keep track of everything that was going on. And everything she needed to do. Starting with sleep, a sleep that was not forthcoming.

Two-thirty A.M. The illuminated numerals of her alarm clock filtered through her closed lids. She turned away from it, slamming a spare pillow down on top of her head. Why couldn't she just get to sleep? Why couldn't the universe grant her that much after all the curve balls it had thrown her way?

In the morning she would have to deal with Elliot. Tell him the truth. A truth that she was certain he would be none too pleased about. Especially after how he had reacted to Dickie's question after dinner. _Of course not!_ It came out with such attitude, like he was saying there was no way in hell he would ever sleep with her, like she was some sort of diseased animal, the mere thought of sleeping with her requiring instant destruction lest it infect his mind. Well he _did_ sleep with her, and now they were going to have two permanent reminders of what was evidently a temporary feeling, on his part at least. And God did it hurt. Because she still loved him. And he didn't love her back.

This was getting ridiculous, the lack of sleep. Absolute last thing she needed right now. But damn those racing thoughts, never quiet enough to nod off. She had half a mind to pop a clonazepam and be done with all the noise, but thought better of it given her pregnant state. Better to just wait for sleep to come.

- - -

A lazy yellow light filled her bedroom, dancing off the walls, nestling into her fluffy white duvet. Her alarm clock chirping happily, unaware of the pain the day was bound to bring. She slowly allowed herself to wake up, stretching and tossing before accepting that four hours of sleep would have to suffice. Sunday morning. She wiped her eyes. Today, after he went to church, she'd have to tell him, hope for the best, hope that maybe there was something to the idea that religion and prayer is mellowing.

In the kitchen, she popped open a pill box and poured out the day's rations, groaning at the size of her prenatals before chasing them down with a glass of water. She looked down at her stomach, clad in a cami, and marveled at the fact that there were two lives in there, two supposedly healthy lives in her flat, toned stomach. It didn't seem possible. But then again, nothing about this pregnancy seemed possible. And yet it was, evidently, possible, all of it.

The ring of the phone interrupted her solitude, an unwelcome intruder, but she answered it all the same. Alex. God, she wanted to be able to vent to her, tell her the big news, but she couldn't. Not until Elliot knew. And it was anybody's guess as to how long _that_ would take. She'd have to catch up with Alex later.

Looking around her apartment she frowned. It was a good apartment, surprisingly big and open by New York standards, but it had only the one bedroom. Great. Another thing to do. That would cost a pretty penny, but there was no way her apartment could hold three people; it had been tight enough when Lizzie had stayed with her. She sighed, moving to the bathroom to get ready for the day. If she was going to face Elliot's emotional abuse she wanted to look damn good, make him salivate, show him she was no diseased animal, show him how much his body wanted to take her.

- - -

Standing back from the mirror she smiled, admiring her impeccable reflection as it grinned back at her. Tan, toned, sleek, her body radiated an ethereal glow. Her dark wash trouser jeans made her already long legs fierce, the black snakeskin Jimmy Choo flats…killer. And damn, that burgundy silk blouse paired with the impeccably tailored black leather jacket, it set her complexion on fire. With a quick swoosh of hair spray, her soft face framing curls were ready to go. She chuckled to herself. He would absolutely die. She certainly wouldn't fit in with the "Sunday-best" crowd. Oh yeah, he'd die.

- - -

The café was crowded with families, out for an after-Church brunch. She looked longingly at a sizzling skillet of seasoned potato wedges as the waitress passed by. It all looked so good. Glancing around the place, she bounced nervously, looking to see if Elliot had beaten her here. He had. She spied him tucked in the back corner, nursing a cup of coffee with an absent look on his face. God, he looked bad. Like he hadn't slept all night.

She made her way over the table, more nervous than she had been this morning getting dressed. This was it. She _had_ to tell him, make him understand that she was carrying his children. And then take his reaction without completely breaking down.

"Hey," he still hadn't acknowledged her presence with so much as a glance up from his coffee cup. She waited, eyebrows scrunched together in concern, for his response.

He shook his head, trying to remember where exactly he was. It had been a long night with no sleep, a long night thinking, thoughts racing a thousand miles a minute, about her, about what she said, about what he said.

"Huh?" His deep blue eyes lifted from the coffee cup to her figure, scanning up and down in an attempt to understand his surroundings. "Oh, hey. Uh…" he motioned for her to sit.

The waitress made her way over and took Olivia's drink order—mint tea. Olivia eyed Elliot skeptically, a thick silence once again descending upon them. Neither wanted to be responsible for starting what was sure to be an incredibly painful fight. And so they sat in silence. After a few minutes, Olivia opened her menu. The waitress returned with her tea and asked for their orders. Olivia smiled at the waitress, thankful for the distraction, and placed her order for the mixed berry pancakes, spinach and tomato omelet with potato wedges, and a plate of bacon. Elliot stared at her in disbelief, astonished by the amount of food his partner had ordered. When it came his turn, he ordered a hefty omelet. The waitress left, and the silence returned.

Olivia sipped at her tea, knowing sooner or later they would have to talk. "Elliot," she paused, making sure he was listening, "about last night…"

"I over reacted. That's great, really. I know you'll make a great mom." His smile reached his eyes.

"Um, El…" her voice was soft, almost inaudible, "do you remember what happened after Lizzie's…accident?"

"A lot of things, why?" She could tell by his tone that he didn't know what she was getting at.

Olivia ran a hand through her softly waved hair, trying to think of what to do if he didn't remember what they did. "I mean that night when you brought me home from the hospital…" Her tone encouraged him to remember.

Elliot's eyes squinted, head retracting back into his neck, "Okay…"

"El, come on, do you seriously not remember?" She hadn't really expected him to forget completely. He, if she remembered correctly, was perfectly lucid that night.

"Refresh my memory." Still no sign of recognition.

Ugh, this was _not_ how she wanted this to go. He was putting her in an impossibly awkward situation. What was she going to do, say, yeah, you know, the night I seduced you, took advantage of your vulnerable emotional state, well that night two new lives were conceived. No, that would not work.

"I was a wreck, you comforted me," she paused, eyes trying desperately to communicate the rest to him, "clothes came off…" her eyes were pleading with him to remember.

Bingo. "Shit. You mean that wasn't just a dream? Oh damn Liv, I'm so sorry. I didn't even…God you must hate me. I was so out of it. I thought it was just another dream. Shit." He ran his hands over his face, pained by his realization.

"I seduced you, El. It wasn't your fault. It was…I was…out of it." Her eyes were downcast, ashamed, and absolutely mortified that this would be the last time she would be sitting with Elliot.

"Olivia, you can't be serious. Why would you think it was all your fault?"

She traced a finger around the rim of her teacup. "Last night. You acted like sleeping with me would be the worst thing in the world…you know, when you told Dickie you weren't sleeping with me."

He sighed heavily, then looked her straight in the eye, "Liv, I didn't mean it like that…it was just a…reaction to my children inquiring about my sex life."

"El," she closed her eyes briefly, "How long have you been divorced?"

He sat back in his chair, sipping his coffee. "Uh, well, gee, a little more than one and a half years I guess."

"What?"

"After the Sennet case…we never stopped the proceedings when Eli came along. I guess we both realized we were happier as friends. And I finally realized I hadn't been in love with her for years. There was another woman that I fell in love with, and it wouldn't be fair to anyone for us to stay married."

Olivia's nose dropped slightly, trying desperately to mask the devastation coursing through her veins. How could she do this to him, tell him they were going to have twins together when he was in love with another woman? It was worse than the prospect of having to tell him when she thought he was still married because at least then she knew he wasn't actually in love with Kathy. But now, this news would ruin his chances of happiness with this other woman with whom he was evidently madly in love. Damn it. Life just got more complicated by the second.

"Oh," was all she could manage, tears threatening to emerge.

"Liv?" his tone was tinged with concern.

She shook her head, eyes closed. But still the tears managed to escape, slowly cascading down her bronzed cheeks, reflecting the mid-morning light. "I am so sorry El. I feel awful for ruining your life like this. I hate myself for it. And I wish there were someway to go back in time and change all this but…"

"What are you talking about? Liv, Liv look at me, you haven't ruined my life. I don't know what I'd do without you. Don't do this to yourself. I need you in my life. You're my best friend."

Her voice cracked. "I'm pregnant, Elliot, pregnant! So yes, I have ruined your life. How can you move on with this other woman you are so madly in love with when our one night of half-cognizant sex lead to conception!"

Elliot looked at her, trying to digest what she had just said, what she meant.

"Wait, you mean," he placed his hand on hers across the table, "you're pregnant…and I'm the father?"

She pulled her hand out from under his, folding them in her lap. "Yes Elliot. You are the father…" she let out a dry laught, "the only man I've slept with in seven months. I'm sorry. I know this screws up your life, but I couldn't not tell you."

"How does this screw up my life?"

"I don't think this other person you are in love with will appreciate that you got me pregnant."

"What are you…" he paused, "Oh, no, no, geeze, no. Liv, I thought I told you, that night." He took her hands in his, "Olivia, it's you. You're the one I'm in love with. This hasn't screwed up my life…it's, it's, we're having a baby!" His excitement and pride shone through every cell of his body.

Olivia looked at him, stunned. "I thought when you said that it was just…I don't know, something to placate me with."

He shook his head, eyes communicating more than words ever could, silent affirmations of his unending love.

She grinned. "We aren't having a baby, El." He looked at her quizzically. "We're having twins."

The waitress chose this moment to bring them their food. And despite herself, Olivia's eyes became consumed with the delicious platters before her.

- - -

Olivia smiled brightly as they strolled through Central Park. The sun shone brightly, cutting through the crisp fall air to illuminate the autumnal array of colors. They had eaten their meal in a comfortable quiet, both silently agreeing to wait until after brunch to discuss the news. And so now they found themselves in Central Park, watching as families set up picnics on the lawn and college students lay out on beach towels to read.

They hadn't said more than two words since their food arrived, though it had been a companionable calm unlike the tenuous silences that had recently plagued their relationship.

Elliot looked over at Olivia, basking in her radiating beauty. God did she look amazing in that outfit, total killer. But even more stunning, she was carrying his child…his children.

"So, twins, huh?" His eyes twinkled.

She grinned, pulling him down to sit on a bench. "Yeah. Are you…okay with all of this?"

He gazed out at the people milling past, "You'll make a great mother, Liv."

"Yeah, but this complicates things." She gazed out with him. "I mean, you live with your ex-wife and you have five kids and I hardly think they'll take it well. And then there's work. It was a one night thing, we both hardly remember it, but if word gets out…" She shook her head. "I don't want to lose you as my partner…it just isn't the same."

Elliot turned to face her. "No one has to know how you got pregnant. Eventually, if you want, we can tell them, but we don't have to."

"What about us, I mean…"

"I mean what I said." His sapphire eyes penetrated her whisky ones. "I love you. And I have for a long time." He grinned. "And you have to know, you look amazing in that."

Tears threatened to spill from her eyes. He took her in his arms, holding her close so that their hearts could feel one another beating. Olivia closed her eyes peacefully, relieved, stunned at how smoothly this was going, and not wanting to be awoken from this fantasy life anytime soon. Elliot rubbed a hand on her back, the other in her hair, a calm settling deep within his soul that had nothing to do with religion and everything to do with holding the other half of his soul, knowing he would never let go.

* * *

**Please review!! Good, bad, ugly, and constructive are all welcome! Love the input and still looking for what gender the twins should be and names, etc. Feel free to let me know what you want to see happening next! **

**Reviews are always appreciated!**


	9. Love Is Enough

**A.N.** Sorry for the long time to update. Had a bit of writers block. Thanks to all who read and reviewed!! As always they don't belong to me (yet). Enjoy!

* * *

**ALONE AND LIVE AT THE DEER HEAD**

_A Story by Elisabeth Carmichael_

- - -

"Congratulations!!" Alex ran towards Olivia, eyes dancing.

Olivia grinned at her friend, snapping shut a file with a satisfied bob of the head and placing it on her desk. "Shh, keep it down." Her voice was soft and playful. "I haven't told them yet."

Alex rolled her eyes, the damage already having been done.

Munch looked up from the coffee pot where he was attempting to create an even more vile sludge than he usually concocted. "O-oh," his voice sang with peaked interest, "and what are we congratulating Detective Benson for?"

Fin pulled his nose out of a file, sizing up Olivia. After a few moments he smiled, "Well it's about time Liv. We need some non-Stabler children running around the precinct."

Alex, Munch, and Olivia turned to Fin, their expressions clearly expecting him to have been wearing x-ray glasses.

"How did you…" Olivia frowned slightly, the full weight of Fin's words finally hitting her. He was wrong. There would be another Staber child, two more Stabler children, running around the precinct.

Fin got up, proud smile affixed to his face, "Lucky guess…Nah, but really, that's great."

Alex took in Olivia's still trim physique. "How far along?"

Olivia's eyebrow quirked up, "Right around twelve weeks."

Munch eyed her suspiciously, "How does Stabler feel about this?"

At that, Olivia's eyes grew wide, afraid that somehow news of their one night stand had gotten around the precinct. Attempting to compose herself, she took in a deep breath. "Uh, Elliot, what'd you mean how does he feel?"

"You know, you'll be leaving for maternity leave and he'll be stuck playing the replacement shuffle." Munch grinned, remembering the last time Olivia left and how Elliot had the hardest time keeping new partners around.

"Oh," she sat down at her desk, "I don't know. Haven't really talked about it."

Alex smiled at Olivia with a bit of mischief in her eyes, "So. What is Baby Benson going to look like? Did you choose an Ivy League donor or a concert pianist?" Her voice was light, overjoyed for her friend.

Munch peered down at Olivia through his transitions lenses, "Did it happen to be a suave intellect who doesn't blindly accept authority, medium height, brown eyes, ravishing good looks?"

Fin tossed a pencil at him.

"Uh, well," she didn't want to lie to her friends, but she wasn't about to tell them the truth either. "Blue eyes, brown hair, athletic build," she smiled, "religious, and smart."

"For a second there I thought you were describing Elliot," Munch deadpanned "but then you said smart."

They all started laughing, even Olivia who had gone ghost white before Munch delivered the punch line.

Once the laughter died down, Munch gave Olivia a slight smirk, "Thought at all about names? You know, I like John or Jeanne…and Munch would make a fine middle name."

"Yeah, if you wanna scar the kid for life," Fin gave him a crooked look.

Olivia smiled, "I think I'll keep looking, but thanks John."

- - -

It had been a week since she'd told him. One long, crazy, hectic week replete with paperwork, list making, worrying, and house hunting. They hadn't talked much about it after their initial conversation, and they hadn't told anyone the whole truth of the matter. It was all just a matter of time. She knew she couldn't keep Elliot away, and she knew she didn't want to keep him away. But that meant telling Kathy, and his kids, and the guys, and Cragen, and probably IAB. She didn't even know if it mattered, telling IAB. After the babies came, she wasn't sure what she wanted to do. Keep working, probably, but it would be hard, with two babies at home, with her hours. And she hated the idea of her children being raised by a nanny, more than she hated the idea of tapping into her trust fund to buy a new place. It was all just too much. Too much to think about. Too much to deal with. She had wanted kids, but never considered herself a real candidate. It had always remained an idyllic dream, not a startling reality. But now she realized how hard it would be. Hard for her, hard for her kids, hard for everyone.

Her cell phone rang. He was here. She buzzed him up before returning to the bathroom to brush out her hair. It was one of those days and her hair just would not behave. She sighed, turning to look at herself in the mirror. Lifting up the hem of her sweatshirt she could sort of see it, a bit of a bump, not very noticeable, more like a few too many slices of pizza and a few too many bottles of beer. A bad stage to be in, she decided.

Three quick knocks on her door startled her out of her reverie. She gave a wan smile as she opened the door. He looked tired, or perhaps overwhelmed. A slow grin graced his lips as he made his way into her apartment. He sat down on her couch; she followed. Without words they both knew what needed to be discussed. And they both knew they were loath to do so.

After a few minutes in silence, Olivia took a deep breath. "What are we gonna do?" She bit her lip and glanced over at him, eyes darting back and forth, trying to read his answer.

He squinted his eyes, "You mean about telling people?"

"Kathy and your kids."

"I think," he sat back into the couch, "I think we need to decide what we are going to do, you and I, about this before even thinking about that."

Olivia sighed and tucked herself into the corner of the couch. "El, I'm…I…" she sighed again. "You are too principled."

He looked at her quizzically, "What?"

She drew her legs to her chest, hugging them tightly. "I don't want whatever we have or could have had to be because you knocked me up. I just don't trust that you would be acting this way if I weren't."

"God, Liv," he scooted closer to her, coaxing her to look at him, "you don't know how long I've been in love with you, and it has nothing to do with getting you pregnant and everything to do with you being amazing and perfect."

Her deep brown eyes penetrated his sapphire blue ones, reading his soul before recoiling in fear. She shook her head, willing the tears to stay at bay. "I'm afraid, El." And then they came, rolling down her cheeks in tiny rivulets, uncontrollable, salty tears.

He placed a consoling hand on her knee, unsure of how much contact she would welcome from him. "Don't be."

"God," she wiped at her eyes, "look at me. I'm a mess."

"It's okay," he let out a slight chuckle. "You should've seen me this morning. Total mess." He paused, tilting his head. "It's a complicated situation, but there is nothing complicated about how I feel."

"I just…I just am so…overwhelmed. I mean, I never expected it to be so sudden, so unexpected," she chuckled humorlessly. "I only have, what, six months to take care of a million things, and…I just don't know."

His strong arms wrapped around her, pulling her close, a gentle reassurance in his embrace. "I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. I love you. And I love those two little babies of ours. We don't have to rush anything. Whatever you feel comfortable with as long as you know I love you more than life itself."

She choked back the tears she had only just corralled. "I want you in their lives, in my life. But I'm not sure I want people to know. Not yet. I mean, I know you have to tell Kathy and the kids, but…"

He squeezed her shoulders. "Not if you don't want to. I'm your best friend, of course I'd be involved. Or you asked me to be the sperm donor. We don't have to tell them the circumstances of conception."

She snuggled her head into the crook of his neck. "I love you, El. God I love you. And even though this is all so crazy, I'm glad you're the father, not some anonymous donor." She bit her lip and looked up into his eyes. "You're my best friend. Nothing too obvious, no talking to the baby at work, no odd touching, just normal, and I guess we'll see how it goes."

Elliot gazed at her lovingly for a few seconds. "Best friends. At work. Outside of work I want full stomach-talking rights." A grin played at his lips, eyes twinkling.

"Deal."

He hugged her closer, placing a soft kiss on her forehead. "Deal."

* * *

**Please Review!! Good, bad, ugly, all reviews are welcome! And thanks for reading! Also accepting name suggestions, plot suggestions, etc. **


	10. The Very Thought of You

**A.N.** Okay, here's a really short one. Don't own 'em. Please read and review!!

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**ALONE AND LIVE AT THE DEER HEAD**

_A Story by Elisabeth Carmichael_

- - -

At four months she was starting to show, though still not nearly as much as she would have thought being pregnant with twins. She smiled at her reflection in the mirror, placing a soft hand on her distended abdomen. Gently, she pulled on the satiny navy and white polka dot maternity blouse Elliot had given to her yesterday. He had good taste.

She readied her purse before leaving for the subway, having never bothered to get a new car after the accident.

When she reached the doctor's office she noticed Elliot pacing outside on his cell phone. He smiled upon noticing her, motioned one minute, and turned back to his phone.

"Sorry about that," he snapped shut his phone. "Dickie missed his curfew last night and…" His eyes danced, taking in her beautiful figure. "You look great. I love that top on you."

Olivia blushed slightly, before swatting at him, "You bought it for me."

"What can I say? I have good taste."

They both chuckled before walking inside.

- - -

Olivia and Elliot sat impatiently in the exam room. It had only been a few minutes, but they were anxious to see how the twins were doing. Dr. Ittenbach knocked twice and popped into the room, a bubbly grin on her face.

"Olivia, how are you doing?" she flipped open the chart and plopped down on the stool, curls bouncing exuberantly. "You look fantastic."

"Feeling surprisingly well. And small for twins."

The doctor looked down at the chart, "Well, measurements look a bit small, but we'll check it out on the ultrasound. I'm sure it's nothing to worry about."

Olivia grabbed Elliot's hand for support as Dr. Ittenbach pulled out the ultrasound. They looked at one another nervously.

"Okay, so, are we hoping to find out the sexes?" The doctor lifted Olivia's shirt and squeezed out a healthy dose of gel.

Elliot looked to Olivia. "Uh," she grinned sheepishly at him, "I kind of want it to be a secret." He smiled and nodded his head in agreement.

Dr. Ittenbach adjusted the dials and started moving the transducer over Olivia's stomach. "Alright," she smiled brightly. "Looks good. I see two healthy babies in there. A little small, but nothing to worry about."

Both Olivia and Elliot let out sighs of relief, grinning as they watched the two little babies on the screen. A small tear trickled down Olivia's face. She had never thought this day would come. And to have twins with the love of her life, it was simply too perfect.

"They already look adorable. Let me print a few photos out for you."

- - -

After her appointment Elliot took Olivia out to brunch at a lovely little sidewalk café on the Upper West Side. She ordered delicious lemon pancakes while he ordered a piping stack of French toast. The sun drenched them in a delicate fall glint, glowing almost as brightly as their smiles.

"Healthy," Olivia gushed, "they're healthy."

Elliot chuckled at her elation, "Yeah, and so are you. And beautiful too."

A slight tint of rose graced her cheeks. "You're too good to me. About all of this."

"Nothing could ever be too good for you," his hand reached across the table to lightly brush hers.

"You sure? I think car shopping might change your mind."

"Not when we're looking for a car that will be transporting my favorite people."

She rolled her eyes. "Car shopping is car shopping, El."

"Well then I guess you don't want me to go?" His tone light and joking.

"Oh no, you're going." She grinned, taking a bite of her pancakes. "And then, then you can help me go house hunting."

He smiled at her, eyes glazed over, a look of contentment settled on his features. Olivia looked at him curiously, tilting her head.

"What?" She grinned nervously, a bit unsettled by his gaze. "El? El?"

He continued smiling at her.

"Elliot!"

His smile grew, "Hmm?"

"What, do I have something on my face?" Her look was almost bemused.

"Just admiring how lovely that top looks on you."

"El, how many times do we have to go over this?"

He stood up and walked over to her chair, hand in pocket, a full crinkled grin gracing his leathery visage. "Well, I think the look could be improved upon."

Her eyes bugged out, "Excuse me? One minute you're lavishing me with compliments, the next it's insults?"

"Don't worry. I think this" he pulled out a black velvet box, "will complete the look."

Her eyes softened, lips trembled, as she stared directly into Elliot's sapphire eyes. Voice uncertain and meek, she managed to get out a weak "El?" before the tears started to flow.

* * *

**I know, I'm evil with that cliffhanger. But that all can be resolved with some reviews!! Please review and tell me what you think!**


	11. To Be Named Later

**A.N.** Thanks to all those who have been reading and reviewing!! They still aren't mine.

_Thanks to all those who submitted baby name suggestions. You'll find them somewhere in this chapter!!_

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**ALONE AND LIVE AT THE DEER HEAD**

_A Story by Elisabeth Carmichael_

- - -

She couldn't turn her eyes from his, held captive by the love radiating from the sapphire depths. Her eyes struggled to see through the tears that had begun cascading down her cheeks. Here he was, being everything she wanted him to be, loving, kind, adoring, and all she could do was cry and tremble from the sheer force of two souls being joined together, becoming inextricably linked so that one was the other and the other was one.

His hands, thick, strong, beautiful hands, quivered as he removed from the velvet box a most stunning piece of jewelry. Eyes clouding over with tears, he smiled, radiating love. He kept his gaze fixed steadily on her as he lifted out the exquisite strand of black pearls, their iridescence captivating. With a gentle swoosh of his hands, it was around her neck, set off brilliantly by her glowing, tanned skin. He sat back down, eyes still brimming with tears.

"That completes the look," he blinked, willing his eyes to cooperate.

Her hand lifted delicately to finger the strand, reveling in its smoothness.

"It's too much, El," her voice was quaking, almost inaudible, the shock still very real.

He placed his hand across the table to grasp hers, "No Liv, you deserve it." He sat up a bit straighter. "They're pearls, for the month of June when the twins were conceived…and black because they are so rare and unique like you."

She withdrew her hand from her neck, placing it atop his, squeezing with a loving reassurance. "El, that is so, so sweet. Thank you."

"Liv, I love you, and I know you don't want to do anything about us, but I wanted to give you something as a token of my love, to know I will wait as long as it takes."

Her eyes closed, momentarily overwhelmed by emotions. "I love you too, El, I love you too."

- - -

United Grey Metallic. She smiled. It was a beautiful car. And it drove like a dream, not that she'd get much chance to allow it to stretch its legs, but still, best car she'd ever owned. Elliot had laughed when she told him no way in hell was she getting a minivan—too soccer mom-ish—or an SVU—too Yuppie. No, she wanted a fun, sporty car that could hold two car seats, and that is exactly what she got.

"Wanna take 'er for a spin?" she dangled the keys in front of Elliot's face, knowing he hadn't driven a hot car in years.

With stealthy reflexes, he snatched the keys and raced around to the driver's seat, breathing in the new leather smell.

"I guess that's a yes," she mumbled, getting into the passenger's seat.

He ran his hands over the smooth leather of the steering wheel, fingers dancing on the shifters, eyes ablaze. "This baby is gonna fly. Damn. Volkwagen GTI, five doors of 18" rim fun!"

Olivia rolled her eyes at his excitement. "It's a car, El, not the key to Heaven."

"It's a car that purrs like a cheetah," he revved up the engine, "listen to her."

"You two wanna be alone?" she joked with a bemused grin, rubbing a hand over her growing stomach, already five months along.

He smirked at her before tearing out of the lot, grinning further at her look of shear terror as she grasped the door handle with strained hands.

"You know, El," her voice portraying her slightly un-amused mood, "I was thinking about baby names. Perhaps something along the lines of I Hate Daddy."

"Ha, ha," he glanced at her quickly before turning back to the road, "very funny. How 'bout Mommy Can't Handle Fast."

She gave him a seething look before relaxing into the deep leather seats, "Seriously now, what do you think? I mean, we need like a set a names if it's two boys, and a set for two girls, and a set for a boy and girl."

He placed a soft hand on her thigh, sending sparks throughout her body. "I haven't really given it much thought. I figured you'd wanna come up with the names." He shrugged.

"You're their dad. We're a team in this," she paused to smile at him. "And besides, I've been having a hard time with names."

"Hmm, well, let's see. For boy names, I like…uh…John. And for a girl…Jeanne. And Munch would be a great middle name." He turned away from her, trying to conceal his laughter.

She smirked, swatting him on the arm. "Ha, ha. Thanks, but Munch already mentioned those names. Come on, seriously, El, we gotta start thinking about this."

"Oh, I don't know, maybe David Isaac or Austin Tyler for a boy and, uh, Alyson Marie or Natalie Claire for a girl."

"El, those are great names," she fingered her black pearl necklace, now a permanent fixture around her neck. "I've been having such a hard time with names. There are too many good ones. Like Carter and Logan for a boy, and Charlotte, Abigail, Louisa, Edie, Emmaleine, Alexandria, Joanna, Mackenzie…I think I like girl names a bit more," she giggled. "There are just too many good names!!"

Elliot pulled the car into a parking space in front of her new brownstone, "When we meet them, you'll just know."

She grinned at him. "Have I told you how much I love you, Elliot Stabler?"

He walked around to open her door, "Once or twice."

"Well I do." She took his hand to stand up. "So very much."

Gently, she reached her hands to cup his face, brushing a thumb over his slightly stubbly cheek. She leaned in, eyes connecting with his, their lips meeting in a chaste kiss, delicate, soft, adoring but restrained. Pulling back, she rested her forehead against his, their breathing in perfect synchronicity.

* * *

**Please Review!! Always open to your comments!**


	12. Right As The Rain

**A.N.** Thanks for the reviews! They are really encouraging and motivating. Of course I don't own them. Enjoy!!

* * *

**ALONE AND LIVE A THE DEER HEAD**

_A Story by Elisabeth Carmichael_

- - -

It was a slow night at the precinct; most everyone had already left for the day. Fin was back in an interrogation room finishing up a confession. Munch and Cragen were finishing up data for CommStat. Olivia summoned Elliot and Alex up to the break room where she was sitting, munching on a bowl of carrots. Her stomach at seven months had since made up for its previous small size, now clearly carrying twins.

"Hey Liv, what's up?" Elliot swooped in, taking as seat across the table from her.

He reached for a carrot; she swatted his hand away and chomped down on another carrot before speaking.

"Uh…" she drew the bowl closer, "I want to ask you and Alex to be my labor coaches. I mean, I know you've done it all before, but I haven't and I'd appreciate if you could come to the classes and all."

He smiled, "Sure, but why Alex?"

"Elliot, come on, with the job and all, I don't want to be stuck without a coach, or stuck with a coach who has totally lost it," her eyes danced mockingly.

"Ouch."

She shrugged and took a bit out of another carrot. Alex strode in, placing her briefcase on the table as she slid into a chair next to Elliot.

"So, you wanted to see me?"

Olivia grinned conspiratorially, "Yeah…"

- - -

The room was slightly warmer than comfortable, air thick with the scent of fresh paint. A calm green graced the walls, still slightly slick, offsetting the thick creamy white moldings and the rich mahogany hardwood floors beautifully. Expansive French Doors drenched the room in a brisk fall glow, reflecting off the polished chrome of the chandelier in a brilliant gleam.

With a swift kick, a black on white rug was rolled out. Alex smiled at her handiwork. It looked amazing. Her attention turned to the cream crib nestled in the corner, fluffing up the white and green bedding to designer precision. It had been difficult to design the two nurseries in gender neutral décor, and grudgingly, Alex admitted to herself this looked more like a girl's room than a boy's.

Next door, the color was slightly more masculine, a calm, soft blue, accented with the same creamy whites and chrome as the other. The patterns less ornate, less flourished, but still elegant and classy. Very high society, Alex thought to herself, very high society indeed.

Elliot knocked on the door of the green room with his foot, pushing it open as he backed in with a graceful black and white striped glider. Liv would die, absolutely die when she came back from vacation and saw this. She had been planning to get the nurseries done, but never found the time to do it. When she came back on Sunday to find a baby shower waiting for her and then this, the most perfect shower gift, Elliot could not wait to see the magnitude of the smile that would light her face.

- - -

The living room was piled high with presents. Some ornately wrapped and overflowing with ribbons, others bags brimming with pastel colored tissue paper, and some clearly prepared by the few men in Olivia's life that had earned an invitation to the party. Alex flitted in and out of the living room, bringing in silver platters of fresh hors d'oeuvres and champagne glasses brimming with sparkling cider. The chatter was light and excited, anxious to see what a week back in Delaware Water Gap had done for Olivia's growing belly and glowing face.

Elliot had gone to pick her up from Penn Station, and as they pulling up in front of her brownstone, she turned to face him, a look of pure furry in her eyes.

"I cannot believe you did that!!" Her arm pointed accusingly at the bright orange cones set up on the street in front of her house with a sign that said, _No Parking—NYPD_.

He shrugged guiltily, thankful she had only been talking about the reserved space. "Sorry, I'll take it down." He quickly picked up the cones and parked the car.

She shot him a look as she carefully maneuvered herself out of the car. Standing up, she patted smooth the front of her blouse, a deep merlot that hung loosely over her stomach, the black pearls still prominently affixed to her neck.

Elliot sighed. She was so unbelievably beautiful. Taking her bag, he guided her up the steps. He set her bag down outside the door and turned to place his hands on her arms.

"You look amazing," his eyes twinkled, running his hands down her arms to take her hands, swinging their joined hands side-to-side.

A slight blush rose to her cheeks, her eyes turning down to avoid the irresistible impulse to reach up and kiss him. "El…" her voice was warning.

He closed his eyes momentarily and then took a step closer, dropping her hands, instead cupping her cheek delicately, thumb brushing lightly over her tender lips. "I'm just so happy for you."

It took all she had not to kiss him, but she knew better than to start something with him now when she'd question his motives. But God did those lips look amazing.

Elliot let out a small sigh, turning toward the door. It would have been so easy to kiss her, the desire spelled out clearly in her eyes, but he could never do that to her, not with all their friends right inside.

As she stepped inside, a flurry of people emerged, shouting a communal "Congratulations!!"

It took a second for it all to sink in, but when it did, her eyes began welling up with tears. Everyone was here, she realized, all at once and not at the office. And all her friends. And Elliot's three girls.

Alex emerged with two champagne glasses in hand, her eyes beaming through her black framed glasses. With a perfectly poised smile and bob of the head, she handed Olivia one of the ciders.

"Elliot and I put together a little shower for you 'Mommy.'"

Tears began streaming down Olivia's cheeks as she took in her surroundings. It hardly looked like her house, all painted and decorated and decked out in grand party style. She fixed her gaze upon Alex, searching, questioning, wondering what on earth she did to deserve something so lovely. Her eyes rested upon the necklace fastened around Alex's slender neck; a delicate gold chain with a small gold pendant. She shook her head, eyes clamped shut. It was all just too much. Her eyes revisited that necklace. She put down her glass and enveloped Alex in a firm embrace.

"Thank you," she whispered to Alex through the tears.

Elliot obligingly took the champagne glass from Alex so that she could wrap her arms tightly around her best friend. It had been comfortable since her return, but never as intimate as they were before the shooting. Elliot smiled, knowing how much this would mean to Olivia, having Alex back, really back, and the timing couldn't be any better.

"God," Olivia pulled her head back so that her forehead was resting on Alex's, "I've missed you." She smiled, closing her eyes to abate the tears before turning the rest of her guests.

- - -

As the shower was winding down, Olivia smiled at Elliot. It had been beautiful. The food was delicious. The games were funny. The décor was impeccable. It reminded her of a perfectly planned wedding. But what had made it, really made it, was the company. Everyone so happy and laughing and excited for her. It gave her a sense of family that she rarely felt.

"So," she fingered her pearl necklace absently, "you two redecorated my living areas…" Her tone was flat. "It looks amazing. Thank you El. I would have never gotten around to it."

Elliot let out a soft chuckle. "Alex." He shrugged. "Wouldn't dream of hosting a party the way it was."

"Figures," she rolled her eyes. "So, what'd you get me? Hmm? Or did you come to my shower without a gift?"

He plastered a most serious look on his face, "I believe I gave you a very beautiful and expensive pearl necklace." His tone dropped. "And two little bundles of joy."

She stared at him quizzically.

"It's a joke, Liv," his eyes twinkled, "Come on, I'll show you."

Alex noticed Elliot guiding Olivia upstairs. She smiled, knowing Olivia was going to absolutely love the nurseries.

"Okay, close your eyes," Elliot positioned her just inside the doorway of the green room.

"What is it, a crib?"

He stood back to better see her reaction. "Alright, open."

Her eyes went wide. As she scanned the room, the tears started to gather. It was more perfect than she could have dreamed of. Against his will, Elliot's eyes began to moisten too. She turned to him, a flurry of emotions flitting across her visage.

"El," she swallowed back her tears, "it's amazing. You did all this?"

He moved to grasp her shoulders gently in his hands. "Well, I did a lot of the work, but Alex designed it."

Biting her lower lip, she moved to walk around the room, pausing at each impeccable detail. She lowered herself carefully into the black and white striped glider, imagining how in two short months she'd be holding a tiny life in her arms, rocking it to sleep in this very chair. Gentle tears began streaming down her cheeks as she gently rubbed her belly.

"Oh my God, El," she looked up with wide eyes then back down at her stomach, "they're moving. Feel."

He knelt down beside the glider, allowing her to guide his hand to the right spot. His face lit up, awe and wonder etched in his features. Even after four pregnancies, he was still in total amazement.

"Hey there," he brought his lips close to her stomach, hands gently resting atop hers. "You guys are so lucky. You have the most amazing mom. We can't wait until you get here."

Olivia closed her eyes, the emotions too much. There were not enough tears in the world to express how blessed she felt.

"And the most amazing dad," she added.

He placed two soft kisses on her stomach before standing up.

Her eyes rescanned the room, soaking up every immaculate inch. They stopped on the dresser. Atop a beautiful antique white chest sat a picture of the two of them, laughing, arms around one another, taken at the precinct Christmas party a year ago. She stood up and walked over to examine it more closely. It sat in a simple chrome frame, engraved in an elegant scroll with the words: _For our precious gift from Heaven, all the love in the world_.

He came up behind her, resting his chin on her shoulder. She turned her head to place a soft kiss on the side of his mouth. His arms wrapped around her, resting his hands on her stomach.

"El, I don't…I…thank you _so_ much."

"I love you, Liv, and I love our precious little babies," he patted her stomach for emphasis. "But there's more."

Her head turned curiously, "Oh?"

He took her hand and guided her into the adjacent bedroom. This time she collapsed into his arms, body fraught with emotion, tears shaking every fiber of her being. Too much. Just too much. Not even in her dreams had she allowed herself to hope for all this. And here it was.

"Oh God El, it's all just…I love you. And I love it. Thank you so much."

His hands held her firmly to him, strong, loving embrace, providing her the stability she had so often provided him.

* * *

**Please Review!! Let me know what you think, good, bad, ugly, I welcome it all!**


	13. A Strain

**A.N.** Sorry it has taken so long to update. I had terrible writers block and an absolutely insane work schedule. I appreciate all the reviews and story alerts, and I hope that you enjoy this next installment.

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**ALONE AND LIVE AT THE DEER HEAD**

_A Story by Elisabeth Carmichael_

- - -

Eight months. Eight months since Lizzie's attempted suicide. Eight months since the twins were conceived. Eight months. And they had been at once the longest and shortest eight months of their lives.

Olivia groaned at the sound of her doorbell. Getting off the couch was not sounding too appealing at the moment. Her ankles and feet were inflated like a cartoon. It would be nice when it was all over, when her feet and ankles no longer resembled puffer fish, when her bladder no longer demand she be within fifty yards of a restroom at all times. But she would miss the gentle curvature of her stomach, the fulfillment of nourishing two brand new lives, the excited nervousness of every kick, every twist.

She opened the door to a billowy gust of cool winter air, snowflakes finding their merry way into the foyer on the coats of the Stabler girls, their voices tickling and light. No one had so much as questioned the paternity of Olivia's twins, assuming she had, as planned, conceived with donor sperm. It ate her up though, keeping it a secret from everyone that she was carrying Elliot's children. And it hurt most acutely to deceive his other children whom she had come to love as her own family. There was just no easy way. Not with the conception's proximity to Lizzie's suicide attempt. Olivia sighed, trying her best to mask it as gestational fatigue.

"You look amazing!" Maureen smiled, admiring Olivia's maternal goddess glow.

Lizzie grinned up at Olivia, arm outstretched, awaiting permission to feel her stomach. With a slight laugh, Olivia nodded approval before turning to Kathleen, eyes asking the door please be shut.

Once the coats were hung, they congregated in the family room, mugs of hot cocoa providing a much-welcomed sense of warmth to their hands as they curled up on the overstuffed sofas with colorful woolen blankets.

"Have you picked out any names?" Lizzie's eyes danced hopefully behind the plum rim of her glasses.

"Your dad says I'll know when I meet 'em."

Kathleen raised an eyebrow. "Them?"

"El didn't say anything?" Olivia closed her eyes to regroup. "Uh yeah, so, uh, twins. Not like I've just been living off junk food or anything."

"That's so exciting," Maureen gushed. "Wow. Twins."

"A little daunting," Olivia took a sip of cocoa, "especially with work and everything."

"Yeah, the whole single parent thing," Maureen placed a sympathetic hand on her shoulder. "But hey, just consider me a…" she pursed her lips in contemplation, "a big sister. Babysitting, helping hand, whatever."

The words, the irony, it took all she had to keep her composure and give an appreciative smile to her children's half-sister. "Thanks." Then summoning up all the excitement she could muster, she reached out to rub Kathleen and Lizzie's arms, "You can all be their big sisters."

Lizzie grinned broadly, attempting to restrain herself but eventually giving in, embracing Olivia in a giddy hug. "I hope one of them is a girl," her twinkling blue eyes fixed hopefully on Olivia's pained brown ones.

"It's a surprise." Lizzie's face dropped, not liking to be left out of secrets. "For everyone," Olivia finished upon noting the girls' looks.

A pleasant silence ensued, the warmth of the fire comforting.

"Are you scared?" Maureen finally voiced, her tone timid.

Olivia looked at her curiously, trying to read the subtext. "I mean about being a single mother and having two brand new babies and working and…" Maureen paused briefly before deciding to get it out there, "…and one day finding a soul mate and everything."

Lizzie and Kathleen stared at their sister, jaws dropped in disbelief. That might have been the type of thing to come out of Kathleen, or Lizzie even, but never from Maureen.

Before Olivia could fully process what had been said, how to react, her cell phone began ringing. She silenced it and took a deep breath, trying to figure out what to say. It rang again. Reluctantly she flipped it open. _Elliot._ Though still riddled with shock, she managed to keep an even, tone as she confirmed the time he'd be there to take her to her doctor's appointment the next day and discretely declined his offer to stop by with some dinner tonight. Then hanging up she turned back to the Stabler girls, trying to blink away the look of complete loss on her face.

"So…refills on the cocoa?"

Kathleen's eyes narrowed. "No-no, you aren't getting off the hook that easy."

"What do you want me to say?" She sighed, looking at each one of them in an attempt to see exactly what they were getting at. "Honestly, how am I supposed to answer a question like that?"

"A yes or no is always a good place to start," Lizzie shrugged.

Olivia drew in a deep breath. "Yes." She drew idle circles on her stomach. "Twins are a lot to handle, and I don't know if I'm cut out for this whole motherhood deal…I mean, it all crept up on me so fast. I wasn't planning on having a baby so soon and then when I found out…it's been a lot…too much." She paused, snapping back into reality, replenishing her lungs with the air she had lost in her monologue. "Yes. I'm scared."

"We're all here for you. They may not have a daddy, but they sure have a ton of aunts and uncles, sisters and brothers." Maureen's eyes twinkled with a soft reassurance.

There it was again. That dishonesty constantly plaguing her conscience. She couldn't contradict Maureen's statement about having a daddy, though she wondered how long she'd be able to keep the act up without breaking from the guilt.

Kathleen's head turned up in suspicion. "Wait a second. What do you mean you weren't planning on a baby so soon? I mean, don't you kind of go into fertilization treatments with having a baby in mind?"

Olivia's head jerked, almost imperceptibly, a look of horrified shock momentarily adorning her face. Looking at Kathleen, one word repeated on loop in her head. Shit.

***

The wind whistled through the barren trees, rustling the stately old house ever so slightly as pure white snowflakes descended to blanket the city afresh. In the morning there would be murky slush on the streets from all the cars, but for the moment, all was calm and clear and bright. Olivia smiled at the snow-covered branches dancing in the night, resting her head against the cool glass of her bedroom window. Her feet curled into the soft pile of the rug as she padded back to the beckoning folds of her down comforter and the five or six fluffy pillows strewn about. It was comforting, the gentle creaking and billowing snow, a wonderfully innocent scene that lulled her into a placid slumber.

The shrill beep of her alarm clock broke the tranquil quiet that had laid guard through the night. With a slow, deep breath, she opened her eyes. Six A.M. Elliot would be there in an hour and a half for her doctor's appointment. She grinned down at her stomach and placed a hand where one of the baby's had just kicked.

"Morning," she laughed lightly as she headed off to the shower.

It was going to be absolutely spectacular when the sun started to rise, and she intended on being all up and ready to watch. Living in the new more residential neighborhood meant being able to wake up and see relatively undisturbed snow after a fresh fall, not sloshed by a steady stream of cars like at her old apartment, but pure, white crystals of innocence and splendor.

Seven fifteen. She stood on the front stoop with a hot mug of tea. It was the stuff of storybooks. The street still virtually undisturbed, sidewalks thick with snow, tree branches bowing to each other. So peaceful. A small grin tugged at her mouth envisioning her little angels frolicking in the snow, riding behind her as she'd pull the sled, making snowmen, throwing snowballs…

"Mmm, aren't you a little cold?" Elliot snuck up behind her, wrapping her in his warm embrace.

She turned toward him with a smirk, "Nah, I'm good." Her voice dropped slightly. "Been thinking warm thoughts."

He chuckled, pulling her closer, "It's so beautiful out."

She sighed, "Yeah. Everything is just so amazing. I mean, the perfect snow, the perfect guy, two perfect babies on the way…" Her voice cracked slightly, eyes widening.

"Liv?" Elliot pulled his head back. "What are you…"

Her voice squeaked, "El." She tried to focus on him as her face blanched. "Two perfect babies _on the way_."

* * *

**Please review!! Good, bad, constructive, I welcome it all! Also looking for baby names and whether it should be boy-boy, boy-girl, or girl-girl.**


	14. Deep Strings

**A.N.** Thanks for all the reviews! They are really motivating. I am also loving all the suggestions for baby names. They are all so adorable. Hope you enjoy!

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**ALONE AND LIVE AT THE DEER HEAD**

_A Story by Elisabeth Carmichael_

- - -

The harsh fluorescent lighting of the hospital room was infuriating with its intrusiveness, and at this moment, it was the last thing she needed. Elliot held her hand as tears streamed down her face.

"It's too early," her voice squeaked, barely audible. "El, it's just too early."

He wanted to tell her it would be okay, the babies would be okay, but he couldn't. Because he just didn't know. So instead, he held her hand and stroked her face and tried not to fall apart when she needed him to be her rock.

The nurses flitted in and out, recording stats and running tests, hooking her up to machines, speaking words of encouragement, all the while their faces creased with anxiety. Olivia just wanted someone to be straight with her. She needed reassurance from someone who could deliver the news convincingly. And the nurses were not giving her that.

"Okay Olivia, sorry about the wait, traffic with this snow…" Dr. Ittenbach's cheerful voice broke the fearful silence that had befallen the room. She leafed through Olivia's chart without furrowed brow and then turned to address them. "Now I can see you're worried about them being premature, but I want you to take a deep breath and listen to me." She paused and waited for Olivia to comply. "It will be okay. Their lungs appear to be developed and their weight looks good. At this point, the worst thing for them is worrying yourself to exhaustion. They will be fine. You need to know that and believe that so that your body can focus on a healthy, successful labor."

Olivia nodded and breathed a sigh of relief. Their lungs were developed. That was what she most needed to hear.

- - -

Eight at night. The searing pain that ripped through her body had Olivia wishing she hadn't so stubbornly rejected an epidural. But she had convinced herself that if Kathy could do it after a car accident with no epidural, she could certainly do it in a hospital without one. And now it was too late to change her mind. She channeled her pain into crushing Alex's petite hand and digging her fingernails into Elliot's forearm. Alex grimaced but continued to coach Olivia through the breathing.

"Alright, time to get these babies out." Dr. Ittenbach looked up at Olivia with a reassuring smile. "I see some hair."

Olivia let out a small smile before taking a deep breath.

"Now I want you to push on this next contraction."

Olivia nodded.

"Alright Olivia, push." Olivia pressed her chin down into her chest, eyes clamped shut.

Alex wiped a stray piece of hair from her face. "Liv, breathe."

After what seemed like hours, Dr. Ittenbach's grinning face peered up over Olivia's stomach. "Final push, you can do it!"

Olivia's heart constricted. In a few short moments she would meet her baby, face to face, a new life would be there, totally dependent upon her. Suddenly the concept of time seemed so odd, that the difference of a second could be so profound. Staring deeply into Elliot's blue eyes, she concentrated on one final push. And then she saw the unmistakable twinkle in his eyes that only ever appeared when looking at his children. She looked down to see the doctor hold up a tiny baby with a small patch of brown hair

"It's a boy!" The doctor grinned as she handed the baby off to a nurse.

A faint smile graced Olivia's lips as she watched her son being tended to. "He's so small." Her voice was delicate.

Elliot gripped her shoulder reassuringly. "He's perfect. Listen to that...already has the St…uh…Benson lungs."

"And your smile," Alex grinned broadly.

Three minutes later, Olivia delivered the second baby. Her eyes closed in exhaustion, then snapped open when she realized she hadn't heard a cry or the bubbly voice of her doctor saying whether it was a boy or girl. Elliot's grip on her shoulder tightened in fear.

"Why isn't it crying? What's wrong?" Olivia's eyes darted between Elliot and Dr. Ittenbach, desperately searching for an answer that wouldn't leave her with a permanent hole in her already fragile heart. "Please?" Her voice was weak and timid. "Please?" It came out as a whisper, accompanied by the torrent of tears streaming down her cheeks.

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**Reviews are always welcomed! Good, bad, ugly, constructive, I love them all!**


	15. Prayer of Thanks

**A.N.** Well it has been over two years since I've updated this story. A lot has changed in the SVU world since this story began. Most of this chapter has been waiting to be posted for two years because I had not idea where to go from here. I'm hoping to wrap this story up within the next few chapters. I apologize for the long time it has taken to update.

* * *

**ALONE AND LIVE AT THE DEER HEAD**

_A Story by Elisabeth Carmichael_

"Come on," the doctor gently massaged the baby's back, "that's right, there you go."

Slight gurgling could be heard as the doctor gently suctioned the baby's airway. Olivia's chest heaved.

The doctor smiled as the tiny baby released a healthy cry, and she hoisted the baby up for Olivia to see. "Mom, say hello to your daughter."

Unable to breathe, Olivia stared in awe at the little life she had created, they had created, overwhelmed from the flurry of emotions the last few hours had brought. Two precious little lives and she was responsible for both of them. Her head turned toward Alex, smiling slightly at the delicate 'o' on her lips.

"They're beautiful, Liv." Alex sucked in her lower lip. "God, they look so…" she hit her friend's shoulder lightly, a poised purse to her lips, "They've got me second guessing my decision not to have kids."

"They do more than just look pretty, Alex," Elliot drew his chin down, arms crossed over his chest in amusement, "They cry and puke and ruin your new shoes…"

"Yeah, well, I never said that I'd…"

Olivia patted Alex's arm in understanding. "That cute, huh?"

"Judge for yourself, Mom." Dr. Ittenbach padded over with two tiny bundles, one swaddled in a soft green, the other gold. She tilted the larger of the two into Elliot's timid arms, gently holding on to the smaller one.

"This is your daughter," the doctor's dimples grew as she turned the baby for Olivia to see, "And she is perfect. All ten fingers, all ten toes, 3 lbs 4 oz, 15 inches long."

Olivia reached out to gently stroke her daughter's face. "Hey there tough girl, gave us a little scare. Guess you're just a little stubborn, wanted to do things on your own terms." She winked at Elliot. "Don't worry, I'm used to stubborn."

"Nurse Walcott is going to take her for a bit."

"Bye…" Olivia's voice floated softly after the tiny baby.

The little boy in Elliot's arms cooed softly, quietly demanding the attention of the small crowd surrounding Olivia's bed.

"El?" Olivia's voice squeaked. And he complied willingly, placing their son in her waiting arms. "You're perfect too." She fingered a tuft of his soft black hair. "Taller than your sister."

"Yep, 5 lbs 1 oz and 18 inches long. Right on target for 34 weeks."

Olivia stroked his face lovingly. "Desire born." Her face glowed even amidst the harsh fluorescent lights, a placidness washing over her features, knowing it was true; her desire had been born.

They were so perfect. She couldn't get over that. Her son had her eyes, wide and expressive though not yet brown; she knew they wouldn't stay blue for long. It wasn't Elliot's blue. But her daughter, she had her daddy's eyes, no denying it. And it looked like she just might have some of her daddy's stubbornness too. Olivia chuckled lightly. Those two, she just knew, were going to have a special bond, something beyond the unconditional loving relationship of parent and child, something built upon an innate understanding of one another. Daddy's little girl. A precious life from Heaven. She rested a cautious hand on the incubator marked 'Baby Girl Benson.' It hurt. God it hurt, not telling everyone that these were Stabler babies. But it would disrupt so many lives, complicate so many relationships. Maybe if she had a crystal ball… Her eyes slowly drifted shut.

"Hey." Elliot crept up behind Olivia. "You should be resting."

Her head turned slightly. "Yeah…I just had to see her."

He grinned, placing his hand next to hers on the incubator. Olivia rocked back on her feet, resting against his body. It was a welcome silence that passed between them, a calmness of spirit that the last year seemed to have been lacking. Somehow it would be okay. Somehow things would work themselves out. They always did in the end.

She tilted her head back slightly and closed her eyes. "I was thinking Owen."

"For a girl?" Elliot's voice couldn't quite mask his disapproval.

"No…" a smile played on Olivia's lips as she turned into his arms. "For our son." Her eyes caught his. "Owen Elias…it just sort of came to me in a dream, like the universe was letting me know that's what his spirit is named."

Elliot cocked and eyebrow at her semi-spiritual explanation. "Owen Elias." He spoke each word with a slow deliberation. "Owen Elias Benson." His eyes twinkled. "It's perfect… So, a dream, eh?"

"Yeah. And it fits him, I think. 'Desire born.'"

"Hmm?"

"It means 'Desire born for the Lord is my God.' Owen Elias does."

Elliot grinned at the absolute adoration in her eyes before pressing a delicate kiss to her forehead. "Well that he is."

Her eyes closed, wishing his lips would have lingered jut a little bit longer.

"How about our precious little girl? I'm assuming Jeanne Munch Benson didn't make your list."

She chuckled. "No, no it didn't." She fidgeted with her fingers. "I don't know that you'll like it…we can always choose another name…but I thought this one fit too…from the dream…"

"Oh Liv." Elliot wrapped his arms around her, laughing slightly. "I'm sure it's a great name."

"It's kind of unusual but it just feels right." Olivia turned back toward the incubator, smiling at the tiny bundle sleeping peacefully inside. She really was a precious life from heaven. "Evita Okalani." The tiny baby yawned. "It means life from heaven."

"Owen Elias and Evita Okalani. Owen and Via Benson." He shook his head in amusement. "I have to admit, Okalani is a bit…unusual to say the least, but I think it'll grow on me. And the meaning is perfect." He was not about to tell her how much his heart ached with that simple acknowledgment that they were indeed Benson babies, her children as far as the world was concerned. They would be loved. And he would be there for them, for her, even though his name would not be recorded next to hers on the birth certificate. His fisted hand attempted to catch the tears that he could feel forming in the corners of his eyes.

Olivia smiled as her little girl opened her eyes. "Yeah—I think you like that. Via. Little Via."

The gentle clicking of expertly navigated heels echoed through the linoleum-floored halls of the hospital's fourth floor, accompanied by the slight whoosh of Italian leather against silk. Fifty or so paces, clicks, whooshes, before she paused, hand pressing gently against the honey coloured swinging door, French manicured nails tapping every so softly in a tremor. She took in a deep, fortifying breath and then pressed forward, the door slowly giving way to the maternity ward where just hours ago she had cracked, broken character, and for a moment wished for a baby of her own. The clicking was slower and less certain beyond those doors. She wasn't sure whether she could trust herself around those two precious babies.

"Alex!" Her head whipped around. Elliot was half walking, half running toward her, a cup of Starbucks in each hand. "Get any sleep last night?" She graciously took the cup from his outstretched hand.

"An hour or so," she took a sip, "but I had to finish drafting a brief and bring Claire up to speed on my cases." Her body heaved. "Thank God for coffee."

Elliot grinned. "You're welcome."

They stood there, in the middle of the hall, facing one another, neither one saying anything for minutes. Elliot bounced the empty coffee cup on the palm of his hand, staring absently in Alex's direction. It felt weird to keep this all a secret, to tell their friends that those two little babies were purely Olivia's when they looked so much like him. And if Alex mentioned anything, he wasn't sure he'd be able to keep up the charade.

"Can I see them?" Alex tossed her cup in the blue trash bin resting up against the abused hospital wall. "Or is she feeding or something?"

A slow smirk crept across his face, eyes crinkling, as his head gave a slow nod, "They got to you. Yeah, they did." He threw out his empty cup as they began walking toward Olivia's room. "Hehe, yeah." His chuckle evidenced his genuine amusement.

Poised, Alex quirked an eyebrow in his direction. "Oh, and you're one to talk?" The tone of her voice indicated that he'd best not try to talk his way out of this one as her blonde locks whipped back in bemusement. "Elliot, they had you hooked from the womb. It's almost as if …" They had stopped, Alex's gaze scrutinizing his visage, her lips rounded in a skeptical 'o.'

After the momentary panic passed, he continued forward, giving Alex his dishiest shit-eating grin. "Yeah, well, who wouldn't be won by kids of hers?"

Her eyes followed him. Something in the way he had paused didn't sit quite right. She shook her head, dismissing the thought that had not quite been put into words yet.

Noticing the absence of Alex's distinctly clicking heels, Elliot turned. "You coming councilor?"

Lifting her gaze up to his face she opened her eyes wider and smiled softly. "Yeah…" The clicking resumed.

As they continued on down the hall toward Olivia's room, the air between them was heavy with unease and apprehension. Olivia sensed it the second the two walked through the doorway. Her eyes lifted to Elliot's, silently asking what was going on; his eyes willingly supplied her with an answer. She understood.

"Shall I formally introduce you to your niece and nephew, Alex?" Olivia grinned as she swung her legs over the side of the bed to stand up. An almost imperceptible nod from Alex was all she needed to proceed down the corridor to the observation window, Alex and Elliot trailing closely behind.

"Oh Liv, they're even more beautiful than before."

Olivia suppressed the urge to role her eyes. "That's our little man," her finger pointed to the incubator for 'Baby Boy Benson.' "Owen Elias." She cocked her head slightly to gauge Alex's reaction. Satisfied that Alex had no serious objections, she then pointed to 'Baby Girl Benson's' incubator. "And that little princess is Evita Okalani."

Elliot caught the momentary shock on Alex's face. He grinned to himself and bowed his head in an attempt to hide his amusement from Olivia.

Alex patted Olivia's shoulder as she peered around her to get a better look at the two little bundles. "Wow…" Her voice held reverent awe. "The resemblance is…I mean, look at that little face, and those eyes. He's a spitting image of you." She turned her gaze from the window to Olivia.

"Yeah, he is, isn't he?" Olivia's smile held a trace of sadness that Alex could not quite place. Elliot knew; he knew the tinge of melancholy came from the next logical comment after the one Alex made about their son's looks. But without revealing paternity, that comment, the one about how their daughter is a spitting image of her father, would not be forthcoming from the prosecutor's delicate mouth.

Olivia yawned. She wondered whether she'd be able to keep up this ruse in the coming months when the twins would have her in a perpetual state of exhaustion. But they were so beautiful. She yawned again before tucking into Elliot's broad frame, eyes drifting shut as she rested her head in the crook of his neck. Her arm snaked around his back, grasping Alex's hand in her own.

"We did good." The exhaustion couldn't mask the joy in Olivia's voice. "We had some beautiful babies there."

Alex's eyes widened as she tilted her head toward the partners. Olivia squeezed her hand reassuringly. "We?" Alex queried.

"You guys were there for me today—throughout this whole pregnancy. We did this together."

Alex mock pouted. "Then I think you should've had triplets so one could look like me."

"What?" Elliot's forehead wrinkled as he attempted to follow Alex's train of thought.

"If we, all three of us, did this together, then I think one should look like me. After all, Owen looks like Liv, and Via bears remarkable resemblance to you, Stabler, and so if there were a third baby, that child would look like me." Her tone was light with the slightest hint of severity, as if subconsciously she was offended by the pretenses. She laughed, missing the frozen looks adorning both Olivia's face and Elliot's.

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_Feedback is always appreciated. Where should it go from here? How should everyone find out? Reviews welcome-good, bad, ugly, I take 'em all_


	16. The Prince

**A.N. ** Embarrassed to say, but as with the last chapter, it has again been more than two years since I last updated this story. I apologize profusely to those of you who have story alerted this story and have been waiting so long for an update. It has been difficult to figure out how to proceed with this story, and then when Elliot left the show, it became harder for me to write E/O. But not to worry, I'm back. I hope you enjoy!

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**ALONE AND LIVE AT THE DEER HEAD**

_A Story by Elisabeth Carmichael_

A week and a half later both twins were home and holding court in Olivia's brownstone. A steady parade of visitors filled their waking hours, leaving a tower of gifts in the middle of Olivia's living room and an endless supply of "I'm sure you have a million but this one's SOOOOO CUTE" snapshots in her inbox. The babies were generally even-tempered and approving of the visitors; although, Via could lose her temper violently if provoked.

For the moment, both were sleeping in their nurseries, and Olivia was taking the time to have her cup of tea with the morning paper. Her hair was disheveled with loose tendrils cascading from her bun, and she hadn't bothered to change from her leggings and oversized sweatshirt. She had asked for the day off from visitors. Though she enjoyed seeing everyone, it was almost more exhausting than the twins…almost.

Her door-knocker sounded throughout the first floor; three swift knocks. She sighed and folded the sports page back up before making her way to the front door.

"Kathleen?" Olivia stood back from the door to allow her to come inside, trying to remember if she had known Kathleen would be stopping by. "What's up?"

Kathleen kicked off her boots and placed her coat on the coat rack, leading Olivia into the living room. Olivia followed, unsure of where this visit was heading. Of all the Stabler children, Olivia was most afraid that Kathleen would suss out the truth.

"Congratulations!" Kathleen embraced her with a genuine smile across her face. "My dad has sent me pictures—they're adorable! So cute. I just couldn't wait to meet them. I hope you don't mind my popping in."

After taking a moment to find her breath again, Olivia smiled. "Oh no, of course it's alright. I was just… they're napping but if you have time…"

"Yep." Kathleen's face was alight.

"Okay then," Olivia brought hands together in front of her, "Uh, can I get you a cup of tea or…?"

"I'll get it. You just sit and relax Liv."

A few minutes later Kathleen returned with a mug of tea and curled up on the end of the couch opposite Olivia.

"How's motherhood?"

Olivia smiled, mostly to herself, before turning her attention back to Kathleen. "It's… it's amazing. They're amazing. I…it's overwhelming, two of them, but then I look at them, into their beautiful, innocent eyes, and I dunno, just, just feel right in the world." She paused, smiling slightly. "Hmm. And they, and they come from people with flaws and regrets and scars and pain but they're the best in us, the good, the potential. It's just pretty remarkable how that works." She leaned her head sideways into the soft, tufted back of the couch. No one had asked her this simple question, and it was cathartic to let it out. "I mean, when I look at Owen, into that face so similar to mine, and I see the innocence and opportunity, it just… or Via who reminds me so much of her da…" Olivia caught herself in the knick of time, coughing before continuing on to cover her misstep. "…so much of how she danced in the womb, all that energy… I just… I don't know that I'm making sense anymore."

Kathleen eyed her carefully. "Your words…not so much. But I think I understand what you're getting at." They sat quietly for a few minutes before Kathleen started again. "You were saying how Owen looks like you… so does Via look like her…father? Is father the right word? You know…"

Kathleen took in the momentary panic that set over Olivia at this question.

"Uh-um, yeah, um, father works. Yeah she looks a lot more like her father than she looks like me, but uh, I mean I don't mind. She's beautiful. Her eyes are this incredible shade of blue—I'm jealous actually." Olivia chuckled. "It would be easier if the father were my husband instead of…or even my boyfriend… but then I'd have never had kids so…"

A soft cry came from the baby monitor perched on the coffee table.

"Oh," Olivia stood up, "Owen's up."

Kathleen stood too. "Let me get him for you."

Before Olivia could answer a second cry came over the monitor, this one more demanding. "Looks like Via's up too. I'll get her, you can get Owen." They started up the stairs. "See if he needs his diaper changed."

Kathleen made her way over to Owen's bassinet. "Hey little guy," she picked him up gently, "how's it going?" She rocked him in her arms. He quieted quickly. "You're a good little guy, aren't you? Yeah you are."

She joined Olivia in the next room, still mesmerized by the tiny little boy in her arms.

"There's my little man," Olivia smiled. She reached out a hand to stroke his tiny little arm. Via let out a small cry. "Oh Via, shhh now, say hi to Kathleen." Olivia positioned Via for Kathleen to see.

"Beautiful, wow. Hey there little girl," Kathleen rubbed a knuckle gently against Via's cheek. "It's funny; she looks a lot like…" Kathleen shook her head. It was a silly coincidence; it had to be. There was no way that...no, no, she was just paranoid, still not entirely confident that Olivia and her father had always been _just_ partners.

Without thinking, Olivia prompted, "Like…"

Kathleen's face dipped into a frown. "Never mind. She just kind of reminds me of how Lizzie looked as a baby...But I'm sure lots of babies do."

Olivia was uncertain of what to say in response. She wasn't exactly sure that Kathleen would make the leap, but she wasn't exactly sure that she wouldn't, either. More than that, Olivia wasn't sure, if asked directly, she'd be able to lie. And somewhere deep inside, she wasn't entirely convinced she even wanted to.

Neither one could think too much about it, though, before Owen started gurgling and kicking, bringing both Olivia and Kathleen back to reality. "Oh-oh, you want attention, don't you, don't you," Kathleen cooed at the little boy in her arms, stroking his soft tufts of chestnut hair with one hand. "Eeww, and you need your diaper changed, huh? Yeah..." She turned to Olivia for instructions.

"You can change him in here. And if you wouldn't mind changing his onesie, there should be some in the top drawer of the dresser in here. I don't really keep their clothes separate yet." Olivia was trying to quiet Via, bobbing back and forth, finally relenting and giving the disgruntled babe her pinkie to suck on.

Kathleen changed Owen's diaper without so much as a grimace, still practiced from Eli. "There you go," she smiled as she picked Owen back up and stroked his impeccably smooth skin wistfully, "now let's get you into a new onesie. How 'bout it?"

"Thanks for taking care of that," Olivia smiled. "That's the hard thing about twins … I only have one set of arms. Sometimes …" she shook her head, "thanks."

Kathleen could sort of remember when Lizzie and Dickie were babies, how exhausted her mother was all the time, and she had even had a husband to help out, at least some of the time. No, she didn't envy Olivia. But she was happy she could be of some help.

"So, their names …" Kathleen floated as she wrangled the dresser drawer open.

Olivia looked over, "Hmm?"

"How did you pick them?" Realizing her question could be misinterpreted as criticism, she quickly added, "I mean, I like them. I think they're both really cute names. But sort of unusual, at least Via's."

Olivia gazed down at her precious daughter and laughed. "Yeah, yeah unusual is right. Evita Okalani. Haha, yeah, neither are names you hear much, and Okalani is really unusual. I don't know. It came to me in a dream. And I looked it up and liked what it meant." Kathleen turned her head, urging Olivia to continue." "It means 'life from Heaven.' And she is. She's this miraculous life from Heaven. And Owen's name means 'desire born, for the Lord is my God,' which also seemed fitting since I wanted kids so badly."

"That's really beautiful. And Via is a really cute nickname. I like that their initials are like, opposites, you know, E.O., O.E., it's cute." Kathleen's fingers set to work on the onesie's snaps.

Olivia was working on changing Via's diaper. "Thanks. I never realized how much pressure there is to naming kids, but you kind of get nervous that people are going to criticize the names, but then you don't really care because you like the name, but you kind of do care. It's… I don't know. I'm glad you like them." Olivia picked Via up and joined Kathleen at the dresser to change Via's onesie.

"Such a handsome little prince," Kathleen smiled as she picked Owen up in his fresh outfit, a navy waffle-knit with a red appliqué anchor on the left side. She opened the drawer and pulled out a red waffle-knit onesie with a navy anchor for Via. "Here you go. They can coordinate."

"Alex gave them these. Aren't they adorable?"

"So cute." She scanned the room, taking in the well-appointed space that she knew had also been the doing of Alex Cabot. That woman had taste. Kathleen closed the dresser drawer, appreciating the elegant chrome knobs. "She did a great job with the nurseries, too. Sublime. Truly subl…" Kathleen's eyes came to rest on the simple chrome frame, engraved with the words: _For our precious gift from Heaven, all the love in the world_. The frame that held a picture of Olivia and Elliot, arms around one another, taken a year ago at the precinct Christmas party. She'd seen the picture on a bulletin board in the precinct's breakroom and thought nothing much of it, but it didn't belong here, in this frame, with those words.

Troubled by Kathleen's abrupt silence, Olivia picked up Via and turned back to Kathleen. And then she saw it. Kathleen staring at the picture frame, paralyzed, unable to decide how to proceed. Olivia drew in a slow, steady breath, trying to calm herself, trying to prepare herself for whatever Kathleen threw her way. Trying to figure out what she wanted to say, what she could say. She didn't know. All she did know was that she had been right to be most afraid of Kathleen sussing out the truth.

"I…" it was more a grunt than an actual attempt at speaking as Kathleen reached her free hand to pick up the picture frame. She frowned then shook her head in disbelief. "I…" She turned toward Olivia, frame still in her right hand. She couldn't look at Olivia yet. Instead, she positioned herself to get a better look at baby Via, the baby who looked so much like Lizzie had as a baby. The baby who looked so much like Kathleen's own father. She slowly raised her gaze to Olivia's face. Olivia's eyes were unreadable, though Kathleen could have sworn there were tears pooling in the corners of her eyes.

"Olivia …"

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**A.N.** Any reviews are greatly appreciated! And I'd love input as to where you think I should take this. How should Kathleen react? How should everyone else react? Let me know!


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